I was crying when i was with NG. I was thinking about how being with him doesnt feel right. How i feel like its all just a bad dream. Or how i got stuck living the alternate life path. And someone else is living my reality.
I feel like my real life should have been living in a home with my ex husband the father of my son, and another child. Thats what my life was supposed to be. My ex was supposed to be a good provider and a good father. I was so cautious when we started dating. He was not a womanizer. Top schools. Seemed responsible and stable. He was so so so smart. The perfect sat score type. But he lives with his mom and depleted his ira.
My ex husband did not want that life i wanted. Or was incapable of having it. I gave him my youth, and now i have such a short span to possiby have another child at a much older age. Hard but a possibility. I am mentally a bit nutty, but physically i am actually in decent shape and older moms are not that uncommon here.
NG is willing. NG is willing to give me a life i want. He wants family and partnership. Not a lot of guys my age do. Most guys my age would not want another baby. Je would give it a go and says he is in a good position to do so. He interacts and engages with my son. He texts me every day. He tells me its ok to just walk into his home any time. Why is he willing when others are not? I think he finds me a good catch cause i am educated and considered attractive. Probably more attractive then other women he has been with. I think that might be the reason why. Plus i am pretty nice. Not the type that picks fights. Neither of us are cheater personality, both of us have been the sole parents of our children. He is very rough around the edges though and my friends, his family are surprised by the match. I feel like because of my age, i dont have that time to date around or even just be myself for a while. Im 40. This sounds arranged and overly practical. I know that. NG is safe though. He is willing to work through problems and conflict. He said he works hard at everything he does and would never give up on a relationship unless it was dangerous to continue in it.
My ex left me 3 years ago not too long after my miscarriage. He was having ED and we couldnt get pregnant again. I remember asking him to go with me to a fertility clinic and he became so mad. Told me the only reason i wanted to have sex was for a baby and that we needed marriage counseling. During marriage counseling he wasnt invested. The counselor would tell us to pick something for each of us to implement change. I asked for date night 1x a week. He said he wanted me to change my career because i didnt earn enough money. I will admit, i wanted things to work with my ex him because i wanted another baby so bad. That was the big reason that i validated and put up with really bad behavior from him the year before he left. I was desperate for another child. I never admitted this.
I dont know if i want to deal with another partner. I thought thats what i wanted. But having to compromise. Having to lose sleep cause of soneones snoring. Having a partner invested means needing to compromise. I disciplined and raised my son the way i wanted. My ex wasnt and isnt an involved dad. He just kind of plays one on TV. He sees my son more now (we split custody 20/80) then he did before we were separated. It i like not having to get upset over so eone elses discipline style. I am used to having things my way. I dont now if i am capable of compromising long term
. Someone pointed out that i get anxious and angry when people dont follow my unspoken rules. And that struck a chord. I have one really close best friend, but i keep distanced from other relationships cause i cant handle the demands and emotions and need to do things on other peoples terms for friendship maintenance. Maybe im somewhere on the spectrum. My son shows traits. How else does one possibly live with a secret addict that is disconnected emotionally and have no idea?
