What a horrible situation you are in. I can relate to some of the things you are feeling (I am married 28 years together 30)
I can sense the fear and blind panic that you are in because I was there also a few months ago. I know you say that you want to save your marriage; but surely this is not a relationship that you want to continue in its current form? It is very obviously having a detrimental effect on you - as it would anyone.
The marriage that you knew is over, it can never be returned to. What you may have the opportunity to do is to start a new marriage with the same person. But, he is not there at the moment. It doesn't really matter whether the affair is emotional or physical, he is getting his needs met elsewhere and is not prepared to even acknowledge that.
He is being incredibly rude and disrespectful to you. Do you deserve that? Of course you don't. You are a person in your own right, not just a wife. You have people in your life who obviously love and respect you, because of who you are as a person, not just because you are his wife.
I sense that you are so afraid of this marriage ending that you would agree to anything to keep him there. It is fear that does that to us. Try to analyse what that fear actually is? For me it was about the status of being married rather than being with him. I listed all the reasons why I wanted to stay married (none were about him) and all the reasons I shouldn't (all were about him) but I had to do this with only the present situation in mind. It was no good saying ' we used to be....' because that isn't the reality anymore.
You don't want to build your life so that you have a great marriage to come back to; you want to do it for YOU. Because you deserve it, because how good your life and your self respect are should not be dependent on someone else. When your self -esteem returns and your sense of individuality is strong, then you can decide whether that includes marriage to this person. If it does then great, if it doesn't then you will carry on your life with a new meaning.
I too hold out some hope that H and I can build a new M. But I won't do that at 'any cost' because time has shown me that I should expect more than what was on offer. The BEST thing that happened to me was when he couldn't face me and so found somewhere else to live. It was torture for a few weeks but then things shifted. I started to see his drama and manipulation for what it was and told him I wanted no part of it. I have had limited contact for weeks except for urgent house business and for him to try to tell me about the R with OW. I only responded to say that there was no M whilst he continued to have a R of any sort with another person.
You mention that he is deciding whether to stay in the marriage or not today. He is comfortable in the knowledge that you will accept whatever he says. Time to take a stand and set some boundaries. For me, that would be for him to live elsewhere whilst he continues another R; but I know a lot of people here advise against that. Perhaps it is different for me as I'm in the UK but it really wouldn't make a difference here in any settlement.
