Feeling lost, scared and wanting to fix this. Pt 2

[Turbine]

Wow was this evening dark. Felt about as low as the week of the BD. even the following week or two. No idea why for certain. It was that bad though.

I did spend the night at the younger D and S place. W was working so why not? Time to see the grandsons. W doesn't seem to care about them. Sad that is because they did nothing to her. She and the younger D butt heads all the time. Something I thought would pass with time. My mother and sister did while we were kids so I thought they would grow out of it like my sister did with our mom. Didn't go that way.

Maybe part of what kicked the dive was not having eaten since breakfast or had enough to drink. Had supper with glass of water. Attended church. Had a talk with old Navy buddy. Definitely feeling not as down.

Feel like I realized how long ago I fell off the Pharaoh's barge and that I am still in denial. Yes bad pun but this stops me from removing my remaining hair in handfuls. I know GAL, do stuff to make me change from ver 1.0 to ver 2.0 for me, not her. Except I feel hollowed out inside thinking about a future without the W.

My parents were married 52 years. Mom passed 23 months before Dad. Her parents were married about 45 years. Grandpa died from cancer at 63. He was going to retire and work part time in a hardware store. Never happened. I never saw how the cancer and treatments changed him either. I was gone from home, doing work ups for deployment for a westpac. He died two days before we were pulling in. I didn't get to go to the funeral. Mom took pictures of him in his casket in case I wanted to see. Never did. So unlike my sister and cousins, my memories of him are untarnished so to speak.

I know my Dad had health issues, bad heart, dyalisys three times a week, living with my sister and her dog in his house and she was bossy. Yeah, part of me thinks she contributed to his lack of wanting to continue living. But 52 years... and to last almost another 2 years. I think he was doing it for me more than my sister. He finally gave up. I waited with him the night he died. I remember that night too. Really strong thunderstorms rolled through with a little lull right about the time he finally let go for good.

I want the 52 years or more with her. Can I even tell or show her? Right now... no. Maybe never... God knows that thought hurts so much.

Am I mad or angry with God? No. He brought us together. Will He keep us together? I pray that is the case. I also pray that what I desire as the outcome is in line with His plan. You know... What God has joined together... I am trying to learn whatever lesson I am supposed to. Maybe to let go. Give up fear. Stop trying to control everything.