Figuring Out What Comes Next

[DonH]

Good like with WG and btw your Brewers are going down tonight!

I really think things will settle in with WG and me - one way or another. It's seems to be less on my mind everyday. As for the Brewers - don't be so sure about that. We are back at home, Hader is WELL rested and ready to go 3 innings or more. The bats have been quiet and started heating up again last night. It's not going to be an easy win, if the Dodger win at all. I've got a good feeling going into this.

Just to clarify. When i said "WG wasn't into you" i did not mean sexually, or as someone to have fun with. I meant, she is not looking at you as a long term, settle down with type of guy.

I'm very glad you clarified as I am now much more agreeing with you. I think her attraction has lowered - I mean I guess that's obvious. I don't know that she's looking to settle down with anyone. I think she wanted to try or perhaps her friends were encouraging her to try with me. We are just not each others typical in so many ways - not just age. I think her friends and for certain her parents WISH she would find a guy like me to settle down with. Her mom was and may still be over the moon that we are dating. I'm just not her typical type nor she mine, but for whatever reason, that didn't matter as every time we are or at least were together we had an amazing time. Then in between we'd communicate so much. My phone stats were over 1,000 minutes in both July and August and was less than 200 in September!

I really believe that when women find that guy they want to settle down with, they become the clingy, demanding woman that scares you.

I can sort of see that and have experienced it. They lose their normal mojo and start getting sucked in - sort of like I was starting to with WG. And again, I'm glad you clarified or expanded on it all as what you are saying about you and Ginger is EXACTLY what I was getting at. I just don't feel the need nor am I at a point in my life to need those things. I'll end this post with another thought on that.

Regarding asking you about guilt, i was referring more to behaviors that came out with addiction. You mentioned instead of visiting your wife at hospital you stayed home cause of addiction.

While i don't think I feel "guilty" about it, I do feel bad for it. I feel bad that I did it as it would not have been me prior nor after active addiction. That's why I'm trying to impress on you that love avoidant - if I even am one - is separate and apart from addiction. All the things that your ex did to you seem to continue to bother you. Have you ever attended an ALANON group or support group for spouses or family of addicts? I think it would do you A WORLD of good. You would learn so much and you'd feel so much better. It's not too late to do. There is a reason they call addiction a FAMILY DISEASE. It truly is. It's not at all only the addict that suffers - it's everyone in their life. I can not encourage you enough to explore this as I know you'd quickly come away saying and feeling "OMG it was not me, it was him all along" and you would understand so much more.

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As for me going forward... I really think it sort of comes down to this: Using a scale of 1 to 10 where 1 is depression so bad you are ready to consider suicide and 10 is the happiest that you could ever imagine. I am a very even tempered guy. I rarely get sad or depressed nor do I get over the top happy. When I was married, I was often at an 8. I didn't dip too low as from my point of view the marriage was great as I was getting everything I wanted. That was not the case for my wife. I lived at a 4 or 5 after bomb drop for several years going as low as a 3 for several months where I actually tried AD medication for a while.

However, for the past years I've been back to a solid 7. I rarely am any lower than a 5 and even that is short lived. Then I was back to somewhat living a life interacting with someone else as we communicated nearly everyday for three months. That in some ways put me back to that 8 and even flirting with a 9 now and then. Wild Girl said the some of the same, telling me how she was coming out of her dark place from six months ago when she found out her ex was having a baby with someone else. So we were both happier. But coming with it, I had 4s and 5s again, including anxiety and such.

So which do I want? Am I satisfied with being pretty happy near all the time or do i want to be REALLY REALLY happy part of the time but that then comes with struggles, sadness, anxiety and stuff - not to mention the risk of another bomb drop and depression somewhere down the road should I really fall for the person and the same thing happens?

I really don't know. I can't deny how much I enjoyed June, July and August. My closest friends could see the different in me as well. But the price was "paid" kinda sorta when it slowed down. The thing is, just like i don't regret getting M and really enjoyed those years, I don't regret the fling (or whatever you want to call it) with WG and it's got me exploring a couple other women as well. I just don't know but that's how I see my dilemma. I think I'm leaning towards the 8s with the 4s and 5s thrown in, but that's easier to say when I've not had it for 12 years and only a glimpse of it three or four times since. I'm nearly just as sure after 6 or 12 months of that I could just as easily say i want to be single again. We often want what we don't have - right?

Therefore, the "perfect solution" for me is someone who wants the same but still wants their independence, doesn't need to see me three or four times a week, doesn't want to change me (yet another thing I loved about WG - she never tried to change me and said so many times). There is not perfect answer. And since I so rarely find someone I'm very interested in - who is also just as interested in me - I've been having the decision made for me. That's where I'm trying to go explore in this thread.