Lots of food for thought. Thank you. As far as my expectations... I’m not really sure. I guess he might experience it as pressure. It may have not been wise on my part. I know he loves them but I also would like him to know the realities of being the person who is there 100% of the time instead of the person who visits. Honestly, I doubt that he will agree to it and I’m not going to make an issue of it. If anything, I’m hoping that he freaks out a little bit at the idea of taking it all on - maybe have a bit of insight that it isn’t all about me. I’ve been reading about MLC and having a hard time figuring out where my H is at in all of that. He’s been doing this for the better part of four years but I was only aware of it at the beginning and now. The in-between years he just hid everything from me. There are some things that don’t fit. He doesn’t appear to be overly angry at me. He’s clear that he loves me [although the guilt he feels when he sees me is stronger at this point] and values my friendship. He has some insight but retreats from it when it is too hard. He hasn’t done anything “wild” unless you count living his covert life of solitude. He is responsible with our money and consults with me ahead of time if he wants to buy anything that is over $100. As I am writing this, I’m thinking that I still need to work more on my DBing because I’m still concerned with what he is doing. Arghh... this is so hard.
I had lunch with a friend yesterday. Her H left her after ten years of marriage “for the girl who answered the phones” when her boys were two and three years old. She is a very strong person... forgiveness does not come easy to her. That has to be earned. She said when it all happened, she remembers how devastated she was. She says she made a list of all of the things she was so upset about... broken home, money issues, kids, etc... and then realized that nothing on her list was about HIM. She said when she realized that, she picked herself up, set some goals, forced herself to be social with people, took an improv class (which is where she first met the man she is married to now), and got a job. In short, she GAL, but I don’t think she ever considered trying to work things out with her ex. She is now a manager at a school board and her life is much better than her ex’s who is still with the woman he left her for. Her kids, who are now in college, tell her that their dad’s marriage is no picnic. Anyway... she told me all this but at the very end said that she can’t blame me for wanting to fight for my marriage and she has wondered, over the years, on occasion, whether or not she should have done the same thing [apparently her ex had “missed” her shortly after he left]. It was nice to talk to her and see living proof that there is life after divorce. In my heart of hearts, I do think my H and I can get through this but I also know that I have to come to terms with the possibility that I am wrong about that.
One sleep until my sister and I leave on our little getaway. I am so looking forward to it!!! Love to you both!
