A new mindset for Burned. This is thread 7.

[sandi2]

Here is what I see in most of the nice guys here. The need to appease their W is their downfall. I'm not talking about that normal part of loving someone and wanting them to be happy and love us back. I think the nice guy's need to appease goes beyond normal. It consumes him. It prevents him from being able to mentally detach successfully. He is constantly wondering what she is thinking/feeling, and wondering what her next move will be. Bear in mind, the intensity or degree varies from man to man, just as some things vary about WW's. However, generally speaking, the problem exists.

I also see nice guys struggling in application. When he reads how to deal with a WW, it's difficult for him to know how to balance his actions. As a result, he will often times go to extremes or not use the appropriate timing to apply his new "get tough" actions. Am I making sense? I'm just saying that I think a lot of this new stuff probably feels quite unnormal to a man with NGS.

Most other vets will tell you to stop mind reading, which is good advice. Then Sandi comes along and tries to share how the WW mindset works...……. My purpose is to help you understand what you are dealing with, when you have a WW. I do see nice guys in their WW's head a lot, and I don't know if I'm helping or hurting.

So, in the name of shedding light on the WW mentality, not mind-reading: WTH?! I see pretty much no reason to send me the text, since I gave the impression that I don't care what she does with the thermostats or the money. No need to tell me exactly what happened or how much it cost. She hasn't communicated with me about anything else whatsoever. It feels like she's needling me, baiting me, or trying to make me feel guilty, or all of the above.

I missed the text, so what I say below may sound as if I'm talking off the subject, somewhat. It's not about a text or why it was sent.....but I will add that when you are pondering over why she texted, what it said, etc., it's a sign you are emotionally attached. WW's are very good at keeping their LBH emotionally attached. Why would she do it? B/c it benefits her to keep you emotionally attached. That's all you really need to know about it.


So, just let me say that having a joint account with a WW is very risky. We can cheer you on about not running over there when she snaps her fingers...…..but if we don't know you are sharing an account or that you'll be responsible for the bill, then you might end up cutting off your nose to spite your face. Know what I mean? If you really didn't care how much she spent to have it fixed, then case closed.

I'm not saying you made a mistake by not going to see about the thermostat. (I think it was computer controlled, or something.....can't remember the details). Anyway, I'd like to use this situation about her and the thermostat to illustrate and hopefully help someone who reads this. So, let's say that she calls wanting you to come fix something in the house and you blow it off by telling her to find someone else or hire someone to fix it. She's going to be angry that you didn't run right over there to fix whatever she wanted done. Whether or not it was a manipulation to get you over there... .....she's going to be angry that you didn't handle it, for sure. We wives expect the H to fix what is broken in the home, so out of habit (giving her the benefit of doubt) she turns to her H. But, a wayward wife will use her H, or anyone else, if it benefits her in some way. If she's left the MR, then she has to learn he is not her handyman, computer tech, etc. So, when she calls about something not working properly, he has to consider his options. Will he be responsible for the cost? If so, then he may decide to fix himself, or choose a professional to do it for him. If he is not responsible for the cost, then he can tell her to handle it herself.

If he doesn't go over to fix it himself, or he doesn't hire someone...….he needs to expect some type of backlash from her. It depends upon the individual woman and her level of resentment, as to how angry this could make her. It would be rare, IMHO, if it didn't cause a wayward W some anger, b/c she already has a big resentment problem with him. If she's angry that the H didn't go fix it or hire someone himself, do you think she's going to care how expensive it'll be? No! Especially if this is money in an account that only he makes deposits, she won't care how expensive it is. If the expense comes out of her financial support, then she'll be angry that she had to pay for it. However, in the moment of her having to find someone to fix it...….her emotions will rule her decisions.

Remember, she operates out of her emotions, not logic. Plus, the WW is selfish. She only cares what benefits her the most. Some WW's are spiteful. In this case, I could see her angrily "getting back at you" for not running right over there to take care of it. Even in cases where the woman is not wayward, if the living conditions were intolerable and you told her you didn't care who she got to fix it or how much it cost, I can see her not caring how expensive it was, just as long as the darn thing was fixed. My point is that you have to expect some back lash when you tell a WW you aren't going to her house and fix it and that she'll have to take care of having it fixed. That makes her angry! Which is fine, as long as you understand what you are doing. Are you hurting yourself in the long run? By that I mean, are you footing the bill? If so, then you might want to consider your options of fixing it yourself, or being the one who hires to have it fixed. Is it more important to break free of her relying on you, or "using" you? In this case, you said you didn't care about the money......so I'd say you may get an expensive bill or some type of backlash.

Backlash is okay......as long as it doesn't rob you of strength and make you appear as if she is dominating you. The only thing a WW respects is someone stronger than her. So, if she can dominate you, she won't respect you. I think nice guy H's fear the W's anger. Even after they split, he fears making her angry. Don't fear it, but do understand that her anger will be directed toward you in some form or fashion.

But yes, it's risky if you tell her she'll have to hire someone to fix it......if you will have to foot the bill. If she doesn't have access to your money, or if you won't have to pay the bill, then telling her to get someone is fine. If you are going to be responsible for the expense, then you might want to fix it yourself or be the one who hires a professional. That's the rule of thumb for now. What we fail to mention from time to time is when this changes. We are so targeting on the here & now, that when the stitch changes, so guys don't realize there are few things they should change, too. So, the question for the future is, "When does this approach change?" Simple.....when she stops being a wayward wife. If you've seen all the signs that indicate she is remorseful and humble, and she is treating you with respect...….(all that stuff I've talked about on the WW threads that tell what she needs to do), then how will you know when you can go over and fix whatever is broken. Well, there's several things to consider of course, but just to touch on it, I'd say to ask yourself if you feel like you are being "used" like a tool, and not appreciated. Are you left working on her toilet while she goes out with some other guy? That's what I mean.

Can you tell the difference? That's my question to nice guys. They have this strong belief that if they can just appease the woman enough, he'll win her. IMHO, this is something the nice guy has to learn how to shed. Men want to know why women are attracted to "bad boys". Well, I've just told you the secret ^^^^^^. That's one of my reasons for telling the man with NGS to work on those inner issues of his, and a lot of the issues he has in his relationships will be resolved.