Some of you may have figured out that I am a poetry geek. My screen name is the title to one of my favorite poems and my first thread title was the first line of that poem. Here is a link to that:

The art of losing isn't hard to master

I am moving on to another favorite poet, this one a man, A.E. Housman. This is a poem that says a lot about how I feel about my H.

Shake hands, we shall never be friends, all’s over;
I only vex you the more I try.
All’s wrong that ever I’ve done or said,
And nought to help it in this dull head:
Shake hands, here’s luck, good-bye.
But if you come to a road where danger
Or guilt or anguish or shame’s to share,
Be good to the lad that loves you true
And the soul that was born to die for you,
And whistle and I'll be there.


After a very long time (years of an in-house wallower followed by an ejection and now two years out of the home), the requisite MLC beard, lots of addictions from a former teatotaler, at least three affairs, child abandonment, and transition from boomerang to vanisher, I think I have finally arrived.

I do love him. I usually don't admit that. But I do. I married him for life even if he didn't do the same. I want him to be happy. That is new for me. I want him to work his way through his stuff. But for him and for my kids, and not for me. I don't think he will find happiness with the present OW but if he does, I am ok with that.

I don't want to be his friend. I was his friend for more than 25 years. That he did take away. I would like to be friendly with him, for the sake of my kids, but I don't think he is ready for that. I have no expectations of him. Not in a good way or a bad. I have finally quelled the mind movies. Now, when they come, I politely ask them to leave. I understand why he feels the need to hurt me from time to time and I no longer take it personally. I know that I haven't done anything to warrant it, so I know it is part of his stuff.

I want the divorce to be over, mainly because I don't like uncertainty and for things to hang. I don't like the distraction or the expense. I don't like being stopped from taking the actions I need to take. I see a future for myself that is light and airy and not tied to pain and grief and not shackled by the chains of commitments from which I've been released--even if involuntarily.

But I also know that I will be there for him. If he's ever brave enough to ask for my help. I will help him.