So....just checking in. My H has been super friendly for the past two days. Yesterday, it was his evening with the kids and he came and got them early...before I was home from work... with plans to do something fun. He texted me to have a quiet evening and some "alone time" assuming that I would be happy they weren't home. I thanked him but set a boundary and told him, in the future, to check with me first before he just takes them somewhere. I told him he seems to assume that I see our kids as a burden that he needs to relieve me of. I told him that I don't see them that way and that the three of us spent a lot of time together when he was "away". I told him that have had more than my share of alone time and that I am happy that he wants to see them more now but that doesn't mean I want to see them less. His reply text was "got it" but then later on, texted me to apologize and said that he had forgotten I am home after work on Mondays before I go out to my league (at 6:45).
So...today... I know he is stressing about an upcoming job interview. I tried to go NC but gave in at the last moment to tell him good luck. He immediately texted back "thanks". He then texted a bit later to ask if I knew when I would be home tonight [he is watching the kids... I told him I am going out to a "social" that I was invited to.]. Followed by... "no rush...just curious." I replied that I didn't know but maybe around 9:00. He told me to enjoy. Now this seems rather benign but... my H has never been curious about what I'm doing. Made me smile to think that maybe, just maybe, it is bugging him a little bit. Anyway... off to my social.
Don't beat yourself up too much. It is hard to strike that balance between being pleasant and being detached. Sometimes pleasant can lead to friendly, which turns into your having expectations and sometimes being detached can be read, by them as being cold. We are both new to this. And like you, I have young kids and it helps them if mummy and daddy are getting along ... in any case this is what I say to myself when I accept invites to join them on their days out with daddy.
I think he was telling the truth when he said he didnt mean to hurt you. He was reaching out to keep things normal for the kids, and to offer you a little kindness. I dont think either of our Hs are bad people, they are confused and alone and still attached to the "family", even if in their heads, they are no longer attached to us. Their kindnesses are self serving - it helps them not feel guilty. As long as I keep that im the back of my mind when I politely say "thank you for the lift" or "would you like a coffee" (when he visits the girls and makes obvious he wants to stay), then I have no expectations of it being anything more.
What does this mean? Well, we carry on on our path to make ourselves better people. I still aspire to become that person who holds her head high and travels with grace and dignity. I fail frequently
Thank you FS. I know you are right... It is kindness that comes from wanting to feel less guilty. Wish I had thought that way on Sunday when the invitation came. When I think of it from that perspective, it seems like it will be much easier to say "Thanks by I'm busy" when the next invitation comes. I definitely don't need any pity dates. I have lots of people in my life who enjoy my company.
I had a fantastic evening out with my sister and friend. It was good to be our enjoying their company. I returned home at 9:00 and my H was already gone. My MIL told me that he was super stressed out about his interview and was "useless" last night so she sent him "home" at around 8:00. "Home"... that stung a bit. "You mean the place where he is hiding out and avoiding life." "Yeah, there," she says. Anyway, I wanted to reach out to him and comfort him the way I would if we were living together still but I resisted the urge. I knew that he was probably wanting to talk to me about it but I just wanted to enjoy the rest of my evening and not think about him and his troubles so that's what I did. This morning I sent him a reminder text about a couple of appointments we have today. He immediately replied and added that he was on pins and needles about the results of the interview from yesterday and that he would update me later once he had some free time at work. I didn't ask about it but I knew he would mention it because I am the first person he always wants to talk to about these kinds of things.Just further highlights the stupidity of this whole sitch. [eye-roll]
Thanks again for visiting my thread and for being so encouraging. I feel like you and I are in very similar situations so it helps to have your perspective and also to hear that I'm not the only one who deviates from that path at times. I guess the important thing is that we get right back on it as soon as possible. (((HUGS)))
He texted me to have a quiet evening and some "alone time" assuming that I would be happy they weren't home.
H sent me a similar text 7 days after his mum took the kids away on holiday.
"Hope you're enjoying the peace and quiet. Do you know where X is?".
Bearing in mind this was the first time the kids had been away without me, I'd not heard from him since be had taken the kids to the airport a week before, and that 3 days before the text was our wedding anniversary, all i could think was the [censored] gall of this man. Insensitivity doesnt even half describe the way they behave sometimes.
i ignored the first part of his text and only responded to the question.
PS - you are not his mum. Dont feel guilty. It is no longer your job to be his cheerleader. If he brings up how anxious he is about work, interviews etc. the vets would say (I think) it is ok to validate but dont text, call, wish him luck, whatever. Remember, he abandoned you, not the other way around.
Ugh... just got back from parent-teacher interview. I felt surprisingly uncomfortable the whole time. Actually...borderline loathing to be around my H. He was so pleasant... self-satisfied with getting his promotion at work. Good thing they don’t know how messed up he really is. Left right away afterward with this annoying sing-songs “bye” ringing in my ears. Having a mad moment. I’ve been so good lately but today I just felt like punching him from the second I saw him. I made myself feel a bit better when I got home by shoving all of his clothes into a corner of our closet and spreading all of mine out onto his side. It feels good... and yet another step closer to separation. I so so hate this. I just keep reminding myself that I have really lost nothing that is real in all of this...except for four years of my life which is how long my H has been “away”. This really, really [censored]... the ups and downs of this process. Some days I feel really strong and forward-moving and other days... that sick feeling, the anger... the disappointment... it comes in waves. No way to get over the pain except to go through it. No truer words were ever said. (((HUGS))) to all.
The fact that the 'sick feeling, the anger..the disappointment' are transient feelings :- doesn't that mean that they are actually strong days too? Just for the fact that you recognise them, feel them and let them move on. It shows great strength IMO and you are human, not a robot. (I told my staff I was having a grumpy day on Tuesday and just to let me work through it, but reassured it wasn't because of them)
You come across as a lady full of energy, compassion and intelligence but remember that it is a marathon. I know what you mean about being forward - moving or perhaps forward - thinking, but you are allowed to stand still sometimes and just be. If that means the feelings come back then you have proven that they will pass. I'd put money on them becoming less frequent. if they didn't happen then I'm sure you'd be storing up a whole load of future issues.
I know you know all this, because you are a very wise lady and encourage other people, myself included.
I know you have been suffering under his MLC for a long time now and have a lot of expert knowledge. Have you been on the heartsblessings website? I like the calm way that the lady writes and was very insightful and validating for me. Drop by, if you haven't already. I also have the headspace app on my phone which teaches simple meditation. I use it for stressful times whether they be marital or work related.
Keep going. You can see through his actions, but he probably can't. His behaviour doesn't reflect on you because we can all see what a fine person you are.
Why wouldn't his behaviour make you angry? He's being an idiot.
Thank you so much Yorkie and FS...from the bottom of my heart. Last night was tough but I managed to get a good night’s sleep and feeling much better this morning. Your kind words and encouragement were exactly what I needed to set me off on a good day. I appreciate you taking the time to write. I think your H’s are idiots too...and am pretty sure they will eventually come to the same conclusion. I know my H has had moments of clarity in the respect...but he runs from pain and facing his actions of the last four years is just too hard for him. Easier to walk away from his life and start over than to come to terms with his poor decisions and his dishonest and dishonourable way of being.
My H was here this morning to pick up my daughter for her tutoring. Normally, I go out to say hi but just couldn’t bring myself to do it this morning. Yesterday was too difficult and I knew that this morning I would get that feeling again if I saw him. So I stayed in my bathroom getting ready for the day listening to my music. Ironically, the song “Stronger” by Kelly Clarkson came on right about the time he would have been sitting in our living room...lol. How fitting. Made sure I was singing along at the top of my lungs. Small happy moments... :-D
Today promises to be a busy day so not much time to think. Tomorrow my H heads off to an annual conference that he goes to every year. The kids don’t have any school tomorrow so he will be hanging out at our house with them in the morning before he leaves. I hope he wanders into our room and sees the closet...lol. Sunday is his birthday and I’m leaving town for an overnight getaway with my sister. I am soooo looking forward to that. I hope the two of you have made some weekend plans for yourselves. You deserve to have some fun!!!
Again... thank you so much for taking the time to write to me. Your words brought me to tears and helped to further my resolve to stay the course. Much love to you both!
My H stopped by tonight. We had a glass of wine and he talked about his week which apparently has been very stressful. Not sure how it came up but he told me that he sensed I was upset with him at the parent-teacher meeting and he was sad all day about it apparently. Probably shouldn’t have but I told him straight out that I had been overcome with the urge to punch him the entire time. He told me to let him know next time and I could just punch him cause he probably deserves it anyway. He’s not wrong. Anyway...we talked a bit about the “rules” of this new arrangement. We didn’t really come up with anything other than we are going to make some time to talk to each other once in awhile. He says he likes talking to me and always has. He just doesn’t like talking to me if he thinks I’m mad at him... he hates conflict...I said that is what got us into this mess and he agreed that it likely was. It feels like tonight was a step forward but also a step backward...not sure. Guess time will tell.
