Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

JuJu, you asked quite a bit of questions, some going back quite a bit in time and I'm not sure are as relevant as you think they might be, but who knows, so I wanted to try to answer and maybe I'll learn something.

Most women (not all) are "clingy" when they really like a guy.

Ugggg, if this is true, then I'm screwed. LOL. Right or wrong, I just am hugely turned off by this. Perhaps much too deep for here, but I guess in someways, I'm turned off by anyone who wants me that badly. I'm hugely confident, as you all know, but I don't think I'm all that. I hesitate to put it this way but I sorta feel like, what's wrong with you that you are into me - or into anyone - that much that you are acting sooooo clingy. Whatever, it lowers my attraction.

Do you want to be taken seriously? Meaning as a serious consideration to be a life long partner to another person?

Well, I most certainly always want to be taken serious BY EVERYONE. Very much so. But that's far different than wanting to be a serious consideration to be a life long partner. Because - ABSOLUTELY NOT am I looking to find a life long partner. Anyone looking to find their next husband or says they want to be married in the next 5 years or looking for their soulmate or want to find someone to grow old with - yeah, not what I'm looking for. For the last 10 plus years what I've wanted is simply to find someone to do things with on a regular basis, talk with, have fun with, be intimate with, etc. If I happen to meet someone that goes farther, I will try my best to not run away from it and do all I can to embrace it. I can see myself possibly living with someone, I have no problem just dating one person and no others as I'm actually very sick of finding new people to date. So that I will do but if the questions is "Do you want to be seriously considered as a life long partner by the next person you date" that answer is NO!!!

Was your ex wife wayward or a walkaway? Are you at peace with the way things ended?

My ex was a walkaway. Knowing what I know now, she was very likely a love addict. She lied to me in the beginning which just added to going against what I'd do now. She was not yet D'd when we met and started dating. Knowing what I know now, I'd never have even dated her. I would not take anyone until they are D'd for at least 6 months. To top it off, she told me they had been separated for over a year and were just finishing the D paperwork. Seemed fair enough. However, the truth was they started separating over a year ago but she ran away or became his WAW only three weeks prior to us meeting. She clearly ran away from him and right to me. I was the only guy she dated after that husband.

Yes I am very much at piece with how her and I ended. I saw her for the first time in I think 8 years last week and had absolutely no feelings. I am glad I am away from her and pretty sure I'm happier. I very much value the time we had together - it was likely among the happiest time of my life, including with the kids, who I am still close with. Thing is, while I was like 99% happy with my life, she was not with hers - and I'll bet she still is not. So I'm not at all happy of being lied to and used, but I'm fine with how it all ended.

Do you feel guilt? Have you come to terms with that guilt? Have you made amends?

Guilt from how I was in the marriage you mean? I'm not sure I feel guilt. I feel bad about some of it, I've learned a lot, I've changed quite a bit. But I was very much who I said and showed myself to be. I told her clearly what I wanted and did not want out of future life - including that I really never wanted to get married again. Yet, she thought I would change or things would change after we were married. Nearly everything she told me was just not the truth. Heck, I'm not sure she even know this of herself. I told her I value my alone time, absolutely do not want to have more kids, etc. She claimed she was fine with all of that while the truth was, she HATES to be alone, wants to be with her partner 24/7 and wanted to have another child - and now has adopted a DOWNS baby who is 4 or 5. Not at all even close to the life I wanted with her. I wonder how long the guy she had the affair with and has now married will hang in there. He's her third H but I will give him this, he's close to being the longest and I'm pretty sure is her longest R.

Do you feel worthy of being in a relationship with someone capable of loving you?

Great question! Do I feel worthy? Absolutely. Again, I have huge self-esteem. I am very worthy of pretty much anyone I chose to let in my life. I'm very picky as to who I let in - and I guess sort of am picky about how worthy they are to be in my life. But, being worthy is different than wanting it. I don't want the obligation, I don't want to put in the work, I don't want the hassle. I love being able to do whatever I want to do when I want to do it. I constantly told my friends that anytime I think about getting or wanting a GF, all I need to do is hang out with them and listen to all of their stories and struggles and that will knock it out of me. I have no problem being alone. The only real downside is not having someone to do things with. Yes I have lots of friends and a smallish family that keeps getting smaller, but it's not the same as having a special someone. I've just not at all found that person and the "cost" is just too high. However, when things like this cruise, or a wedding, or vacation trips come up is when I regret it. I have extra PTSD around the cruise - mostly because I did so many with my ex w, with friends, family, the kids. I was on and/or ran nearly 10 cruises and they were among the happiest times in my life. I skipped one opportunity right after my D but then went on one in 2009 and it was HELL for me - really, really bad going by myself, to the point I never wanted to go through that ever again. I even skipped another free offer three years ago because I could not find anyone to take. It was truly depressing to say no to a free 7 day vacation THAT I PLANNED but it really was that bad for me. That's why I'm so over the top hyper about this one. I'm sure it's partly PTSD.

That's wordy but sum it up with, I'm not looking for a full on R so I mostly look for someone like myself and they are out there - or at least I'm told they are. The problem is, I got in deeper with Wild Girl than I thought I would and it's now making me wonder if I don't need or want more. Using people here, taking away looks, age, everything other than their mindset and what they want, I would NOT be a match with Ginger. She wants to get married again and wants a full-time BF. Being in an R is one of the most important things in her life. I might be a better match with Dawn as she doesn't want those things as much but has not closed the door and could see herself back there again. I could fully see myself with someone like KML who can take it or leave it, has no need to get married again but could see herself with one guy for as long as that works should it happen. That's what I need to find, but in my area, that I'm attracted to, etc. etc. etc. Easier said than done.

I hope all of that both answers your questions, helps everyone better understand me, and maybe even gets me to understand where I am. Best I know right now, I guess I want more than I thought I did, but still not as much as the typical person seems to.