Determined now as I move forward..

[Dtrmned]

Link to old thread: http://www.divorcebusting.com/forum...ain=61659&Number=2817178#Post2817178

I wanted to update everyone. I am finding that longer periods between updates are helping me greatly to not obsess. This does not mean that I am not still watching the roller coaster in front of me.

First. I want to thank everyone on this forum for EVERYTHING! It has truly been a godsend as some days this was my only outlet and the input was so unselfish in trying to help save my MR but always having me focus on saving myself.

As mentioned before, I am going to continue to DB throughout this but as the days to by I am more and more resigned that my marriage is over. I am discovering things that I never dreamed my wife was capable of and these are things that have been happening for years.

What has happened this past several days:

We are way more distant. W is out looking for places, talking to management companies and trying to get her stuff together. She has told me that she is intent on this and she will let me know when she is moving. I just validated and I did tell her (since I believe this) that I think it is a good idea. It is time for a physical separation. It is the only way that she can experience life without me and also the only way for me to really have some space to allow myself to be myself.
It is difficult to be in a home with someone who loathes your very presence.

She tries to manipulate constantly with being mean, kind, passing guilt, anything that might help what she wants to accomplish at that moment. She is actively on dating sites. I would estimate she has been on 2-3 coffee dates in the last couple of weeks. I call a coffee date when you only have an hour or so before you have to be somewhere (pick up the kids, etc.) It is during the day. And you are a little made up but not "dressed to kill" kind of late night rendezvous thing.

She came to me 2 nights ago and said "I think it is time we started sleeping separately". I did not give her time to expand too much on that and immediately told her that she is more than welcome to move to the guest room. I know this will shock all of you, but she was amazed and flabbergasted that I would ask HER to move. She even said the term "you need to man up". I brushed it off and just said "This is our marital bedroom. If you are done with our marriage, it is only fair that you are the one to move." We talked for a little while longer as the belabored her position but I did not waiver. She huffed off saying she had to go wash some sheets. I didn't say a word and went on with my evening. She came down and watched tv with me for a little while then we went up. I am truly still working on my NGS as I was unsure if I should go help her make her bed. I even walked half way down the hall 3 times. I did not do it. I did get her pillows and other stuff out for her and laid it on the end of our (now presently my) bed. She came in and angrily said "you could have at least helped me". She then saw her pillows and said "That is the exact LEAST you could have done". I didn't take the bait and let her go.

Things are progressively getting worse and I informed my A of this and trying to speed them up to get everything drawn up. I personally believe that if I can get her into a settlement conference before she moves it will be better.

MOST DISTURBING THING EVER!! She had a bunch of papers laying on the table downstairs. I didn't know they were hers or the kids. I was cleaning up and went to put them up. There was a list of properties she was looking at and the contact #'s. There was another sheet that has really opened my eyes. It was a page of things she was going to tell the management company regarding her position, plans, etc. and how she would accomplish paying her rent. I read it and also took a picture of it since I think it is such a HUGE thing. I cannot tell anyone about this except my A (which I sent a copy to this morning as it was just yesterday evening I saw this) since this is such an eye opening thing for anyone that knows her. She states in the letter that she will be working 2 jobs. Funny. I think the judge and the Disability people will be interested in this! I don't know if this is fluff to get the place, but it is in her writing and the fact that it is 2 jobs is very important. She also said she doesn't have quite a year working yet. REALLY? When do you work and how do you get paid since our family has seen none of this? She also said she has a bank account with enough money in there to cover rent for a year. WOW. Do I feel like a person who has just been used. She can work and she has been hiding money for her "escape". It seems I have been duped by the one person I entrusted my heart and soul to for a good number of years. For someone who claimed to love me and has tried to convince me she is a good person I am finding this very hard to swallow. But I am. I am just thankful that I now have a copy of the letter for the D proceedings. She also put in there that she expects child support and alimony. You will have 2 jobs. Why do you need either? I will argue and may be able to prove it should go the other way. Probably won't on the other way part, but with this I don't think with this page of notes that she can play the disabled victim with the judge too much.

It is just a matter of time. I have an appt with my A tomorrow and hoping to get everything agreed and filed by the end of the month to start the waiting period. I would rather file quicker rather than later now.

I am kind of excited to see her try to work 2 jobs during a week the kids are with her and one of them is sick (not wishing my kids to be sick, just throwing stuff out there), the other one has activities and she is having a hard health week.

I have truly dropped the rope. Unless it involves the kids I am not interested in communicating. She is ready for her "new life" to begin and to experience dating again and probably a new partner/s. There are some amazing people out there in the world. We were a great team for a long time. We had a rough few years and even through those I made sure our family was taken care of. I don't wish her any hard times but I am fairly interested to see the fantasy fog collapse and how she will react.

I will continue to DB. If she engages, I will validate. Outside of emergencies (a situation where I deem it an emergency not her) of which I would be there. And of course anything for our kids.

My D is struggling and is in counseling. Things outside of home are affecting her emotionally so much so that she is taking a break from school for a couple of weeks to do a 2 week 8 hour per day group therapy. The issues are so huge I just can't bring myself to say it here. My daughter is my main focus now. I have said that she has very harsh feeling towards me. She has seen me the last several days working diligently to get her the help that she needs. Last night, my W made the sarcastic comment "I'm gonna go up and retire to my bedroom". I said "good night". I had a decent 20-30 min conversation with my daughter and then both my kids came down and we had a snack together and just laughed and chatted. I'm fairly certain that enraged my W. I truly don't care on that. I had a GREAT time with my kids and am so thankful that my daughter and I are having some good conversations. My W constantly is telling me that my daughter still hates me and that she is just faking it. I let that roll off. We spoke again this morning for about 15 minutes. She could just as easily have said she was tired or didn't want to talk. She didn't.

There are a few more "Holy Crap" moments along the way as well.

I feel like we have moved from Jerry Springer to a true 20/20 episode. It is that real.

My head is clear. I am still working out a lot and feeling good. Concentrating on work and my kids. I am concerned about my W's health as well as her weight has dropped drastically and she is now at a weight that the bmi calculator classifies as borderline anorexic. I also have respected her wishes and am not asking about it. If she volunteers (which is the only way I know what her weight is) I listen, validate and may ask a question or two during the validation part.

I guess I could have posted this individually over several days, but I am glad I waited. I am journaling for myself as well. I don't know how much worse this can get prior to her move but I am preparing for it non the less.

Feedback, comments, 2x4's and anything else anyone would like to send me is always greatly appreciated. I can honestly say that even through my mis steps and mistakes that I can look at myself in the mirror and know that I have done everything I could to try and save my MR and keep my family together.

I'll leave the post with this. I have never required that much sleep. Even when my now W and I were dating 20 some odd years ago I would sleep 3-5 hours a night. Last night. In my bed by myself. I slept for 7 and a half hours. When I woke up and look at the time I couldn't believe it. Funny thing was that when I came down stairs (kids were still asleep and it was still dark) my W was already up. We will see how tonight goes. I am still working on myself everyday. The focus is off of her and our MR. I will DB when the opportunity arises but this is not about my kids and me.