Affair discovered 3

[STH17]

Yeah our accounts are separate now except for the joint card which W is primary owner of. I asked her to close it or remove me from it, but she wouldn't. I just don't use that card anymore, and told W she was responsible for making payments on it.

[STH17]

Sent an email to W asking what she was thinking about the schedule, and I said I love our son and having him on Friday nights is important to me. She replied a few hours later. She says son seems exhausted by the long trade offs (I guess she means the travel time). An ideal arrangement according to her would be to trade every other week. I don't know what that means exactly, and doesn't answer anything for the present reality. I think she means we would each take care of son for a full week at a time. That's not an option while we're living so far apart and son is enrolled in the school she chose. W wants to keep son over weekend every 4th week. I don't like that idea and don't see any reason to agree to that. Maybe I could agree to every 6th or 8th weekend. W says she's unable to drive as far anymore (but my mom and I have no problem picking up all the driving?). She closed by agreeing with my proposal of me picking up son tomorrow at 6, but didn't say where he would be... ugh.

I guess my response should only be to request clarification first to make sure we understand each other, since it is easy for me to react with judgments at what I see as W's selfish reasoning.

[STH17]

I haven't replied to W yet. I had given myself a deadline of today. I tried writing something back to her yesterday, and some more today, but both times I still just find myself feeling angry about what I see as W's nonchalant matter-of-fact attitude towards the situation and her unwillingness to share the burden of driving and expecting me and my mom to do it all. I am angry that W seems to believe son has a new home and his old one with me is not as important. I'm just angry and I feel powerless. Especially now that we're communicating by email about this, I feel like I have to be even more careful with my choice of words. I'd rather we just scream at each other at this point. Like who gives a [pre-emptively censored] anymore? She can't even talk to me on the phone about OUR SON!? I want to tell her how angry I feel about this. Voicing my anger instead of being passive-aggressive would be a 180, but I think I will be just as hog-tied whether or not I tell her what I'm really thinking.

Maybe I just need to spend more time writing every nasty thing I am thinking and want to say to wife, then burn it or something. Writing just this much here shows me how much anger I'm still holding and I have been noticing it growing about older stuff in our relationship too, stuff that's in the past and should have no bearing on my present and future. Is it possible to just let it go? I have been sad this week thinking again about how none of this had to turn out this way, that there was work we both could have done to grow closer, not further apart. I'm just pissed off today.

Thanks for listening.

[STH17]

Hm. Just received a text from W (a very rare occurrence). She "needs" money for school photos and says we can split them.

Excuse me? When did I agree to split the cost of school photos? I'd be happy with just a 5x7 and a couple wallets. What would I be getting for the money she's asking for?

I think I should reply saying she can send me a copy of the order form and I'll decide what I want to order.

[ovrrnbw]

Tell her that you will order photos that you want and she can do the same.

Don't tell her this, but she chose a separate life so now she gets to deal with the consequences of her decision. Buzz off crazy lady!

[AnotherStander]

STH, what is your current arrangement? I read your description but it's a little confusing, does W have your son M-F and you have him weekends?

She replied a few hours later. She says son seems exhausted by the long trade offs (I guess she means the travel time). An ideal arrangement according to her would be to trade every other week. I don't know what that means exactly, and doesn't answer anything for the present reality. I think she means we would each take care of son for a full week at a time.

So if I understood correctly, she has him M-F and you get him Friday and then take him back Sunday? And she's suggesting you switch off weekly instead. Well I don't think her request is unreasonable, it's not really fair to her that she never has him on weekends. Also if she has to shuttle him to school (even if it's close) all the time then that's a burden on her that's not really fair either. A 50-50 split with a weekly handoff would seem much more fair, but it sounds like he's going to school close to your W which would mean you have to drive him over there and pick him up each day which is a burden on you. Is there a compromise where he can be in daycare that is closer to the middle rather than close to her and far from you? Also think about what will happen when he starts school too. Who is going to be primary residence (divorce court will require this)? Where is the school he will be attending? How are things going to work then? It may seem way in the future right now, but it's not!

That's not an option while we're living so far apart and son is enrolled in the school she chose. W wants to keep son over weekend every 4th week. I don't like that idea and don't see any reason to agree to that.

Why don't you like it? It sounds reasonable. Maybe tell her that if she gets him every 4th weekend then you get to optionally come pick him up one evening each week (or every other week or whatever) to take him to the park or dinner or something. My ex and I wrote that into our D decree so that neither of us would have to go a full week without seeing the kids.

[STH17]

We're living 1.5-2 hours apart depending on traffic and 100 miles. So for me to do all the driving is 6 to 8 hours and 400 miles of driving a week so I can spend less than 72 hours with my son (F night thru M morning). I can't just drive down on a weeknight to take son out to dinner in the middle of the week. The school is less than two miles and 4 minutes from W's parents' house. I don't see a comparable burden there.

I would be okay with letting W have a few hours on a weekend to do something with son, but not an entire weekend since that is the only time I can see son in person now. A daycare closer to both of us would have been my preferred choice too, but since son has already started this school I don't want to take him out and put him somewhere else that might be just as short-lived.

Under guidance of my IC, I emailed W last night asking to meet in person to discuss this further, also saying I'm open to having a third party there to help us talk it through. W replied this morning saying she can't do that, as it would be bad for her mental health to negotiate in person. Sigh. Just emails or lawyers at this point I guess. Makes me wonder if she'd even be willing to meet with a divorce mediator anymore.

The way I see it now, W is offering me nothing, but asking me for more time with son for herself. So if I want something from her (for her to drive more), I can agree to let her have a few hours with son occasionally on weekends.

[STH17]

Here's a detachment test: seeing a profile pic of the person you know as your shy introverted anxious depressed wife dressed as sexy catwoman (TBH I only can see her face in the pic and I am imagining the rest). In a facebook memory marking the day we met 14 years ago. Having spent our whole marriage with sexual insecurities, shame, and dissatisfaction on both our sides, it is frustrating that now that I believe we are both working to be more comfortable in our sexuality, that doesn't include each other. Too late I guess.

I'm running a 5K race this weekend with a team of three other people I assembled. Asking others to be on a team with me was a good stretch for me, trying to connect with others and not worrying too much about possible rejection. I'm looking forward to it.

[neffer]

That´s good STH. Getting some GAL. Stay away from SM. Moving forward man.

[STH17]

W texted asking me to pick up her antidepressant prescription and bring it to her when I drop off son on Monday. I believe we call that a temp check around here. Or is it just naive entitlement, cake-eating? I replied saying she'd have to make other arrangements.

I have been worried about her more lately though. Maybe starting with her telling me her mental health would suffer if she negotiated with me in person. Then son saying "I just want mom to be happy" before going back with her this week. He was excited to share his Halloween candy with her. W was in IC, but I think she stopped going. Still taking meds for depression. Had an uncle (one of 16 siblings) who killed himself. Divorce makes suicide risk higher. A guy in my running group told me yesterday he had a girlfriend who killed herself two years after they broke up, she had a son (not his, and I didn't inquire anything about the relationship or its ending).

In 2016 W told me she tried to kill herself by banging her head on the couch while home alone with son. I was scared to leave her alone then. That was probably around when I first heard ILYBINILWY, and "I don't think I want to be married anymore." When we went on Retrouvaille March 2017 I shared how scared I felt then, and W's heart softened. We hugged, I cried, she promised I would never have to worry about her like that again. That R only lasted about a month. After W started an affair, she fell into suicidal depression and was hospitalized for it. So I guess she's technically "in treatment" since she's on meds and scheduled for a follow-up for that, but I don't know if she's in counseling anymore.

When I think W's actions are a result of her depression, I feel sad and compassionate. When I think her actions are just done out of her anger and resentment towards me, I feel less worried about her hurting herself. Like the fire of her anger towards me is keeping her alive.

There's my thoughts and swirling fears for the day.