Been feeling a bit low lately, as is probably coming across. BD date (11 October) is always closely followed by the date we had got married (21 October).
So it's coming up to what would have been our anniversary.
Please don't get me wrong, there's no way I would ever, ever want to go back to the way things were, or be with anyone who had an even vaguely similar way of being, or similar personality traits. The thought of any of those things makes me feel really stressed out, sick and panicky.
But I do feel a little low.
It's funny, my iPad storage is pretty near full (I've had it for maybe 5 or 6 years), so I'm having to clear out loads of old pictures from it so that I can use it for my work. I'm not so good with technology, so it's only recently that I've discovered airdrop. I've been sending lots of pictures to my photo storage on my laptop via airdrop and then deleting them from my iPad.
Of course, I started with pictures of XH, and ones he took of me or of us.
In the pictures of XH, when I look at them now, it's hard not to think of how much he had been lying to me when I see the dates and years of the pictures. I feel a little disgusted at that. Looking back, it seems to me now that he didn't really look relaxed in many of them, he's pulling faces or literally in the middle of jumping about or running past the camera. And he looked tired in some of them as well, very tired. There were pictures of the OW in there (the last OW) too, and the job where they met.
Also, man, I look so different. I hardly recognise myself. I feel like I look so young - not that I look much older now, I still look really, really young for my age. I think I just look very naive and trusting.
And in the pictures there were of the two of us together, I think we looked very mis-matched as. He looked very confident and self assured, and I looked like I didn't really belong by his side, I was kind of hanging in there (which, of course, I was...lol!).
There are some much older pictures of us on FB that I hardly look at, maybe from around the time before we got married, or about the time we got married, and we seem to look quite evenly matched then. But the later pictures, like the ones I had on my iPad?
His little sister did some work for me a good few years ago, and there were some pictures of her in there. So I transferred those over to my laptop too and then deleted them from my iPad.
Anyway, it feels good to have those all off my iPad now. I feel a lot lighter now. A lot of the landscape pictures from when we went away for work/holidays are still there, and I might transfer those as well. There's really no need for me to have them on my iPad, I really mainly only use it for work. WM (wonderful man) has the most amazing came on his phone, so we use that for taking pictures when we're out.
Transferring and deleting pictures reminded me of how much I enjoy the whole process of clearing things I don't want or need from my life. So I want to be carrying on with that process in some way, even if it's in small ways and small steps. I maybe need to think about identifying and doing one small thing a week in this regard. It might be looking through a shelf for any books I can donate, or going through a drawer, or through a box. I can do this in my work space as well.
I've tried to make myself feel more upbeat, more positive these past couple of days to try and counter this feeling. But it didn't seem to work. I just ended up feeling a little cut off and lonely. So I'm just going to go with accepting feeling a little low for the time being and let that feeling flow through me.
