I guess this is piecing

[Did]

Maybe a typo or I wrote it wrong in my post. She thought the most important thing to me was us being together and married (she didn't say that) but its actually each of us being healthy and happy individually. For two reasons- thats whats most important and also because thats the only way we can have a good relationship.

The lying to me the whole separation. W explained its none of my business in the past but she lied instead so we didnt fight. Obviously this is wrong and I think she has a different case of NGS - caring too much about what other people thing, guilt for not being able to please everyone etc. Anyway at this point we are closer to on the same page than we've been in a long time. Although not anywhere near a R... W said she would divorce over marry at this point because she couldnt keep it together to be married to me or anyone right now. But 4-5 months ago W gave it a 5% chance to R... now she seems to be closer to 50%.

MC doesnt take sht. She basically said all that has to stop for now because its too confusing - sex, texting all the time etc. Back and forth and pursuit / distance isnt good for anyone. Especially me- sht hurts. + W needs to figure out what she wants. And actually have time and space to do that. MC said W needs to work on forgiveness, and both of us need to work on respect and boundaries. I need to really give her space (Duh). So Im trying to do that.

I definitely feel worse when Im alone. W and I are different in this regard, I like being around people it gives me energy. I did talk about this in MC knowing that W thought we were too different... really I think its ok to be different she may want to get lunch with 1 friend while I want to coach and be around 60 kids... we get our needs met through others. I have been reaching out to friends and reconnected with an old friend and roommate. He and I are going to get lunch every week or two so Im really looking forward to rebuilding that friendship.

Back to being alone, I think the #1 biggest thing is D4. Its like a part of me is missing when I dont have her. When I know Im not going to see her for 3 nights, not the one to pick her up from school etc. The next part is obviously wanting my needs met. My love language is physical touch and quality time which go hand in hand... having that so recently with W makes the absence feel even greater when the tank is on low. I think some of my issues with being alone go back to childhood abandonment issues. Im aware of it, and need to continue to work on it. Basically just do whatever Im scared of. So I havent looked to do anything but be alone the last two days. Tomorrow I have a bunch of meetings and work night again.

Sent W schedule waiting for response on that. Fri I am off all day, will get D4 after school but have to coach 930AM Sat. So its really up to W if she wants overnight because she will have to get / meet for D4 early Sat. I will push to have her w me if needed but she will probably want time alone.

We did talk on the phone just a bit ago. W posted a selfie on IG and I made a mistake of asking her if she was looking for attention from all her IG guys... we both have some friends on there weve dated... I think next therapy appt I talk about unfriending these people... actually maybe I just do it first?

I asked W if she wants to do lunch or go to a park Fri or Sat (my parents want to come up to see D4). I could also do Mon... then I go away midweek next week. Id like to have one of these friend dates or whatever the fck go well before I leave for my trip.