You're talking out of both sides of your mouth. One minute you say you are doing it for you and the next you are seeking W's approval. If I told you that seeking her approval got you here, can you find it in yourself to stop?
I'm ready. This is true. It's hard because of the situation I'm in. The changes are primarily for me, but I think it's natural to hope W sees the changes and likes them. I don't have any way for her to see my changes. I know I need to get to the point where the changes are for me only (and my girls). I've done much better since my last post. Stopped following my W on social media. Continue to only answer texts when necessary (basically, only to answer questions and not the superfluous ones). Did more volunteer work last night. Continued to smoke cigars last night. GAL, 180, truly detach for myself. No expectations that it will affect W (or she'll even notice them). Not worrying about whether my W see the fundamental changes I'm making is the last hurdle for me.
Originally Posted by RR17
Stop the D talk. Stop saying it to your self and stop posting about it. If it happens, it happens. The people here can give you the tools to decrease the odds of it happening, but you have to listen and follow the advice. You sound pitiful with this "maybe I should just blah blah blah.." Yea, it hurts. We all know. It requires this much pain to get it through our LBSs thick skulls all the changes we need to make. Make permanent.
It's a rollercoaster. Most of my family and friends tell me that I'm doing well considering the situation, and I feel good most of the time. I usually post here when I'm on down the most. Most of the time, I realize the divorce is not going to kill me. I know I'm already a better person, father, and Christian because of this. It's the kick in the pants I needed to live the life I want for the rest of my life.
Originally Posted by RR17
You have to get your mojo back. For you. Your W doesn't like the spinless bata that you have become. Neither do you. Until you love yourself and become the guy you used to be, you won't be attractive to anybody that you want to be with.
True dat. It's slowly coming back. I have good support that lets me know that I have a lot going for me and I'll find somebody better for me. I've also become tougher with my W in regards to the divorce agreement and other things. I think building up a healthy bitterness and realizing that she's not my be all and end all has helped. I'll be fine without her.
Originally Posted by RR17
Stop this D talk with the W. Stand up to her. Stop negotiating. If she wants to make an offer tell her to send it and you will consider it. DON'T discuss the terms. She is using it to control you. You can be firm without fighting. Make her do it all and don't agree to anything without your own counsel. F her time frame. You still have to agree.
I already have the offer. I've been going over for the last two weeks. Unintentional stalling because today was the first time my lawyer was available. I'm going over the terms with him, and asking about my legal rights where I disagree. I do feel good about the child support (minimal) and amount of physical custody I'd get (slightly fewer overnights but many more weekends).
Originally Posted by RR17
Stop posting to social media. There is nothing that you can post that will change the way she feels. Nothing. Be a mystery.
I've started to realize this. Will not be posting on social media and will not be following her anymore.
Originally Posted by RR17
This could all turn around before it is too late. It can. I wouldn't rush to tell the girls.
This is where I get conflicting advice. Telling the girls seems to be something she's avoiding. I think once we tell the girls, it will make it easier for my W to proceed because the dread of telling them will be gone. Waiting buys me time--which people feel is important. However, I have family/friends that tell me that I should tell them ASAP. I think they feel I should move on because they think it will speed up the recovery.
Originally Posted by RR17
The time has come for you to be the man in this relationship. Forget the hope. Trust in God. Work on getting YOU back. I can tell you are failing at detaching. It's not too late to start. W will see it in your limited interactions. Don't engage her, don't read into any tests. Just do what you said you were doing. Detach, GAL smoke cigars. Leave the MR alone at this time.
