The newest installment: We saw a marriage counselor today. She suggested separation, which he seems to have jumped on. Insisted that his "friend" was just that, said that they only shared "one kiss." (It was a make-out session that she photographed, and sent pictures to my home.) I noticed that he was texting her before the session ended. He explained that he wanted to "see what happens to the marriage" before "pursuing her" (remember, just friends, and he says that he is not attracted to her.") Counselor suggested that it actually works in the opposite order: stop the "friendship" and then see where the marriage goes.
Took our separate cars home. He immediately wanted to talk about separation, and I said "let see if we can stop arguing first." Take a few days to think about it. He is supposed to start therapy today, but I doubt that he will go. He is still lying about the OW, and is also upset that his niece just sent a friend request to instagram, no doubt to "spy on her to get dirt."
You had one session with a MC and they suggested separation? That doesn't sound like a counselor that wants to help people, just do a quick solution to a problem. In any event, your H doesn't sound like he's ready for MC, so it's probably not going to help anyway. So sorry for your sitch.
I am hesitant to give you advise until I understand what you meant by this statement:
Originally Posted by Banjohe
I am not sure that there is much reason to go on, since I have pretty much ruined my life.
Originally Posted by R2C
Please clarify exactly what you mean by this.
Originally Posted by job
Come back here and post, i.e., vent, ask questions, etc....but thinking about possible suicide is not the answer for anyone. There is always a solution to every problem...we just have to be patient and find the solution.
Your words mean one thing to you and can be interpreted by others(us, H ect.) completely different.
Please clarify so we are not offering the wrong advise.
"What is best for my kids is best for me" Amor Fati Link to quotes: https://www.divorcebusting.com/forums/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2879712
Mainly I just felt like I wanted to die, but I would not commit suicide, because it would just ruin my grown children. However, if I died of natural causes, it would be fine with me.
I should clarify that the counselor we saw was the person I've been seeing. She asked about separation because she knows how much pain I am in over the EA and my husband talking and texting throughout the day. My husband intepreted it as her opinion (get separated!) instead of an option to explore, based on my pain. It was the only thing that he jumped on in the session--felt that the rest was a waste of time. He will not stop the "friendship," but when I referred to the EA as a kind of "substitute spouse" he said that wasn't true and "we're still married, aren't we." States that he sometimes wants to work on the marriage, sometimes not. My therapist felt that MC works best when both are "all in," which he can't say that he is. Disagrees with the statement that the "friendship" needs to be dropped BEFORE working on the marriage.
I love this man, and have since the age of 21. The pain is the worst I've ever encountered, even compared to years ago when he almost died of a brain infection. Nothing but critical things to say, although he surprised me this a.m. by saying "I love you."
I have three questions to ask him (the first of which I asked last night): 1. Are you trying to get me to leave the marriage? Answer: no. 2: If you are so miserable, why do you want to stay married, as least for now? and 3: If you want to see how the marriage turns out before pursing the EA, what are you willing to do to improve the marriage?
Should I ask my questions, or do the last resort technique?
If you ask your questions you are going to get words in response. Remember, believe nothing he says. So why ask questions when you can't trust the answers?
As far as the wanting to die, you need to get into IC IMMEDIATELY. This is unhealthy. No one should hold that kind of sway over your life. Your H could pass away, does that mean you wouldn't want to go on living without him? If the answer is no then you are too attached.
You need to fix you. Not your MR. If your MR comes along for the ride, great! If not you will be fine NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS.
You need to get healthy. Life is full of unexpected surprises. Happiness should come from within not without.
M(53), W(54),D(19) M-23, T-25 Bomb Drop - Dec.23, 2017 Ring and Piecing since March 2018
(This is something I feel strongly about. Mods, if I am crossing any lines in terms of what's allowed here, please let me know.)
If you are in the US and you feel the urge to harm yourself, call the National Suicide Prevention Hotline at 1-800-273-8255. You can also call 911 or go to a nearby ER.
In addition to finding a counselor or psychotherapist, please schedule an appointment with your primary care provider immediately and discuss these feelings with them. Ask for a referral to a psychiatric mental health nurse practitioner (PMHNP) or a psychiatrist for a medication consult. This is a serious matter that should be addressed by a specialist.
H: 35 W: 33 M: 11 T: 13
4/10/18: I discovered A and confronted ("BD1") 6/23/18: I moved out 8/31/18: MC ends ("BD2")
Counselors can range the spectrum in terms of their ideas of how to "fix" things and what they will recommend. Instead of showing fear of separation you can make your chance to show your strength. Tell your H if he wants to keep the EA then yes, you'll kick his butt to the curb and that will be that.
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States that he sometimes wants to work on the marriage, sometimes not.
Validate this. I sometimes feel like I want to work on my M, and sometimes I don't feel that way. That's normal, that's human beings for you.
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My therapist felt that MC works best when both are "all in"
That's not exactly groundbreaking. I'd let her know that you understand the obvious aspects of marriage - you've been married 38 years, but anyone could come up with that wonderful quote.
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Disagrees with the statement that the "friendship" needs to be dropped BEFORE working on the marriage.
So it's up to you to set your boundaries.
H 34 W 29 BD 3/12/18 Divorce Busted Spring 19
It is not things that bother us, but the stories we tell ourselves about things.
OK, I have a question. Is this an emotional (or other) affair? My husband developed what he characterizes as a "deep friendship" with a woman that he met in an on-line support group. She is about 1/2 his age, and in an open marriage. During this past summer, he visited her. They made out (he calls it 4-5 kisses); she took pictures of this and sent them to my house. They text every day (about 7,000 texts since June or so) and often talk on the phone for an avg of an hour. He says that they are truly just friends ("and will be for the rest of our lives") but I know that she is in love with him after finding a note saying that "I can't wait to be back in your arms, my one and only, my king." Ewww..
He says that this is not an affair because he doesn't have romantic feelings for her, and they didn't have sex.
