Don't beat yourself up too much. It is hard to strike that balance between being pleasant and being detached. Sometimes pleasant can lead to friendly, which turns into your having expectations and sometimes being detached can be read, by them as being cold. We are both new to this. And like you, I have young kids and it helps them if mummy and daddy are getting along ... in any case this is what I say to myself when I accept invites to join them on their days out with daddy.
I think he was telling the truth when he said he didnt mean to hurt you. He was reaching out to keep things normal for the kids, and to offer you a little kindness. I dont think either of our Hs are bad people, they are confused and alone and still attached to the "family", even if in their heads, they are no longer attached to us. Their kindnesses are self serving - it helps them not feel guilty. As long as I keep that im the back of my mind when I politely say "thank you for the lift" or "would you like a coffee" (when he visits the girls and makes obvious he wants to stay), then I have no expectations of it being anything more.
What does this mean? Well, we carry on on our path to make ourselves better people. I still aspire to become that person who holds her head high and travels with grace and dignity. I fail frequently
