I guess this is piecing

[Did]

From phones sorry for typos. Thanks Steve, Nef and AS. I had MC earlier today. I had written my boundaries etc in my journal. I talked about subconscious a bit how W childhood and low self worth didn’t allow her to be happy. Going for bad guys all the sexual destructive stuff. MC didn’t disagree but said there were levels and we had to start at the surface / base. Friendship, respect. W crying as she does in therapy. I feel bad.

You’re right about patience and that I have to get used to a new normal. MC recommended 1 date every week w said too much and got wild anxious anxious look in eyes so then it became every 2 weeks. One of my main goals was to have another MC session. We have 1 scheduled for Nov 1. MC said I may need to set boundaries on time. But she said to expect at least 6-8 months. We are supposed to date as friends first. No talking about R outside of MC for now. No texting about anything important. All things I wanted that MC said without me saying them first. I didn’t want to control the session. She said W has to work on forgiveness a lot. I have to not text basically don’t push her away. I’m in the best shale of my life so I’ll probably hit the gym. Been doing yoga.

I feel like I may lose my feelings for her with all this time. After being together now no contact and no sex. I know it may be all for financial support and I may bring that up next session. I mentioned in My Ic appt with MC. Also may mention w needs to work. Idk if we D she gets support anyway. MC also mentioned that in my previous IC appt.

We slept together over two different two day periods and had sex like 8-10 times. Now we’re supposed to be friends. I mentioned how sexual W was last week and that I liked that side of her. And that I’m very sexual. MC said masturbating for a while Wont kill you. Kinda funny. Kinda wish we could do this and still Ben intimate.

I’m going to Be a man she’d be a a fool to leave and probably just not going to talk to her For the most part. I drove us to MC and did some work on comp at w house after picking up d4. Listened to her talk responded kindly but just didn’t my own thing. In MC i asked her what my main goal was or what was most important to me and w said us being married and together I said no each of us being happy and healthy individually. At her house she rubbed my head and neck for a bit I kissed her neck goodbye. But didn’t say anything. No contact since.

I want W back but she does need time to improve her mental health. She doesn’t have anything except d4... and my support I guess. W saw she wasn’t being healthy was depressed and all the things AS mentioned above. She was making bad decisions. I’m glad we’re in therapy. She says she only really wants To have sex when she’s ovulating. Which is like a week after her period. Understand the hormones but she’s A mess only operating off emotion. She admitted she had been lying to me the whole separation. Said because I was doing things that made her uncomfortable like getting her valentine day gift when I was dating someone else. After MC I asked if I can trust her. I guess I’ll give her the benefit of the doubt for now.

It’s a weird feeling. Really nothing I can do for sitch. Idk what to do I guess be patient And work on myself is all I can do. I go to Hawaii next week for 5 days which couldn’t be better timing. . Had a great tryout with 60 kids for a lacrosse team tonight. Trying to keep my head up and focus on everything’s besides w. We both like MC and I guess we will try to do it the healthy way after doing everything wrong for 16 months.