I know what you mean about wanting the NC being your thing and not his. I feel that way too. The problem is that my H is so much better at it. And I am the one with the kids at home and needing to contact him for those reasons. It is so unfair... he is off living his life in his own little apartment and dropping by to take the kids out and entertain them. Meanwhile... I'm the one dealing with all of the day-to-day... household chores, home maintenance, scheduling appointments, homework, etc... Sometimes I just want to run away and be the irresponsible one... cater to no one else's needs but my own. There would be so much freedom in that!!! But alas, no, I don't have it in me and I don't have that luxury. My kids need at least one parent with their feet on the ground...even if it feels like those feet are caught in quick sand at times.
Maybe write the emails but don't send them? Or write in a journal [make sure it isn't where he will find it]? I consider myself to be in a pretty good place but this morning while I was driving to pick up my daughter from tutoring, I was actually daydreaming about beating my husband up... or yelling at him until I lose my ability to create anymore sound...lol. I have those fantasies from time-to-time and am quite taken aback by them as I am by no means a violent or reactive person. Still... it would feel kind of good.
I like your "I will remain dignified" mantra. I actually went into the notes on my phone this morning and wrote out a bunch of phrases that I can read whenever I am having a moment. Maybe you could try that?
Regarding fighting over him... you are WAY to classy to do that. Rise above... you will be glad you did.
Now I am going to go try to walk the walk...lol. (((HUGS)))
