A new mindset for Burned. This is thread 7.

[burned]

Quick question, unrelated to goals.

I'm suddenly feeling more detached. I still do not want D, but at this point that's really just so that I don't have to go through the process, the cost, the publicity, etc. I'd be glad to have my W back but I recall her saying "I have nothing left to give to this M" and after doing some googling to see what the non-DB recommendations are (which I assume are the ones she reads), that statement is a bad omen.

Those of you who have filed, how did you know you were ready? I wouldn't do it to appease her or to get a reaction or anything. I just don't know what that feeling feels like. I'd like to know so that I'll know if/when I feel it.

Those of you who were served, what was that like? Were you blindsided or was there some kind of buildup?

She hasn't filed but she thinks it's just a matter of putting a little document together and sending it to the judge. Sure, it won't be TOO hard, no kids, could buy the house outright with retirement savings (it is a SUPER cheap house), I could sign a quit claim, etc.

I suggested a mediator and she seemed to think that was more than we needed. Not gonna try to interpret or mind read. Maybe she's completely terrified and uncertain. Maybe she's as cold and determined as her actions indicate. But she hasn't really taken any actions that a normal person would if they were dead-set on doing it. Like, OK, asking her brother how he did it. But she doesn't have a lawyer, she hasn't thought about taking over the mortgage, etc. etc. etc. So maybe her actions aren't as clear as I make them out to be. Can anyone comment on the difference between Ws who pushed the process through, vs. the ones like mine who are just sort of fumbling through it? I mean, she's not a dummy, if she wanted to make something happen she'd figure it out and do it.

However, if she thinks it's just a matter of signing an agreement after we have a little discussion, and I say, "I won't stand in your way if you want D," am I not standing in her way by putting off having that little discussion?

I tend to think out loud and I'm now thinking, hey, she can do what she wants, I'm feeling detached like I'd be OK with either outcome. OK, not THAT detached but I feel a bit better about it today. At this point I'm still going to DB and see what happens, but I'm trying to prepare myself so that I'm better able to respond calmly depending on the circumstances.

I just don't want to be the guy who is a pain in the rear because he didn't cooperate, thereby worsening the sitch.