just journaling a bit on something i've run across in my reading...
over in terrapin's thread he talks about how his W says she has no sexual attraction for him and then Grace21 replied saying: "Women need lots of emotional attention, non-sexual touching, and lot's of verbal affirmations way before they hit the bedroom. . I wasn't getting any of this from H for years, so no wonder I wasn't into it." earlier in a separate blog i had been reading a male counselor was admonishing men that courtship is an ongoing, forever thing and how a man needs to focus on giving his love to the relationship always. the more i read of that the more self reflection it's caused in me. point blank i never did much about maintaining the courtship after marriage. sure we went on vacations and i said i love you, but i never really courted her post baby. i will say that W's reluctance to go out on dates after baby and her unhappiness after baby would have made it difficult, but i did not commit to trying to continually court her after marriage/baby. also i never conciously thought of "giving" to the relationship. i don't believe at all that i was a concious taker, but i also didn't dedicate myself to giving to her if that makes sense. and then i read Grace21's reply and...at minimum i find a huge opportunity for personal growth within myself.
thing is this...my parents have been married 50+ years, my father was my model for how to be a husband. he was a great father, but who knows how he was as a husband. when i speak with my mother about my W and sisters not getting their emotional needs met she can't relate to them at all. best she can say is that she doesn't understand. in fact in talking with W's mother on the same topic, she can't understand it either. so to me i don't believe my model for modern relationships with women works. my father didn't know any of this stuff that we talk about here and quite frankly my mother never expected him to know about any of it either.
i guess what i'm getting at is i honestly just don't know if in the future i truly have the ability within me to provide the levels of emotional intimacy that it seems so many women in their 30s-40s seem to require. that's not meant as a rant against their expectations, but an honest assessment of my to date level of understanding about what it means to be a husband. it's not that i'm willfully withholding from my significant other, more like i'm only just now becoming self aware to the level of effort ladies of today expect. then the kicker for me as a modern man becomes...given what I "think" that level of effort is, reflecting on it i'm completely not sure that i could ever meet modern ladies expectations...and even if i could, i'm not sure how much i'd have to sacrifice of my own life to make that possible for them. these thoughts have me wondering if i want to try again some day.
apologies if this is a ramble/makes no sense...wondering if anyone else kinda gets/feels what i'm thinking.
