Unsure what's next, what to do.....

[burned]

concerned that it took a therapist and books to show me the love that I have for her and the things that I needed to change so therefore she sort of thinks they aren't real

hesitant of believing that I am changing since there have been "empty promises" in the past

I've never supported her in the things that bring her joy and fulfillment

why my very instinctual habits would be changing now

hard time believing and grasping that I've become more religious, not eating as much and exercising, etc. (These are the changes that I've made in the past 4 weeks)

picking and choosing what I said and taking them out of context

not very confident that we won't end up right back where we are

concerned that this incident won't be held over her head

a complete and total "change" is very "far fetched" given our history

"too much damage as been done."

These are all found in Ch. 2 of the WW Textbook. Your W and my W must be in the same class. Maybe they do their homework together in study hall?

I just don't know how to combat this when A) something was taken out of context or the full comment or thought wasn't shared and B) referring to the fact that all of the good things I've said are essentially set aside and not given any validity because I've said bad things in anger.

You don't combat it. That's not DB. You validate, yes. And take copious notes. She is giving you the gift of time, but she's also giving you a list of things to work on. Now, take them with a grain of salt, because they're exaggerated.

I completely understand that she has the right to be hesitant about the changes. Like its been discussed here in about every situation, you can't expect the other spouse to accept the changes after only a month. I can get past that because I know my changes are for me and for becoming a better version of myself. It's just the other things that she's holding against me that make me wonder if I stand a chance at all.

She won't really care much about your changes until she starts to get the feeling that some other nice lady will be the one to benefit from them.

You don't stand a chance at all. Not this you, not against this her. Not yet. At the end of the marathon, so I'm told, you stand a much better chance than you think if you DB hard.

The whole session was just a lot of this same stuff. I'm just looking for some advice on how to proceed or if anyone has any pointers of what I can do better.

You're having the same experience I had in MC. WW saw MC as just another tool in her tool belt. "See, we tried." Or, "You never listen to me, even when I bring it up in front of a professional!" For me, MC became a place for her to be mean and for me to get angrier and continue to place the focus on her. Neither of us enjoyed it, and it didn't improve our relationship. It gave her an easier out, and it gave me false hope for months. The false hope is what prevented me from seeing the reality of my situation and being more proactive about doing things FOR ME. But you might be better at this than me.

The best advice I got was advice I didn't take, from people here and from people in real life. Once my eyes were open I should have walked in there and said, "Hey, I'm done, this isn't going to help unless we're both all in." I didn't do it because I was afraid she would say, "OK, fine, then I'm out." In the end that's what she said anyway, except more strongly.

Specific advice? Let's see what others think about this, but here's what I can suggest. If you have another joint session, listen, validate, and when it comes time for you to say your side, give them something like this: "W, I hear your concerns and I understand what they are. I know that I can't erase them and I know that I can't change overnight. I'm working on improving myself. In the meantime, I don't think it's necessary/beneficial to attend these joint sessions. I would be happy to discuss working on the R with you when we're both at a place where that's a real possibility." Something like that. Maybe others on here can tidy up the language a bit.

But if you're anything like me, you'll have trouble saying that unless you're in a strong, positive, peaceful state of mind. Hence GAL. Especially exercise and time with good friends.