-Grow a pair and start taking some risks in regards to W. There are a LOT of good small signs she is showing. It's not "I want you back". Far from it. W offers the house to me in exchange for her being out of it. I keep hoping she will stay while I'm there, but that is wishful thinking at this point. Slow and steady, right?
- DO NOT PURSUE.
- Learn to enjoy the small positives. As I stated before, W is showing A LOT of small positives.
- Learn how to handle "no". If I can handle being turned down from hanging out with W (asking her on a friend hangout, etc.), that is another good sign and further complicates WAW's thinking process. WAW thinks "This is what I always wanted from H!" but that conflicts with "But H always has done that previously! Which is the real H???" W is fighting and testing me. So far, it seems that I'm passing all of her tests.
- Learn what her favorite button to push is and work on busting that.
- Tell myself:
" I like who I am becoming." " I am learning so much of who I am." " Let W believe what she wants to believe."
- If W accuses me of manipulating her to get back into the marriage, how should I respond? I need to prepare for if/when she drops this question.
MC session:
I cried quite a bit. I expressed at my lack of physical touch, my desire of intimacy, and my fear of being alone again for the next 17 years. I expressed to MC that before I met W, I had a pretty good job and other good things but lacked love. Then I met W and had a great 8 years (and 2 leading to BD) and I had an awful job. Expressed fear and sadness that it will always be one or the other. MC said that is horseshit.
-Think positively. I am still in a fog that I'm coming out of. I need to be clear in my mind and heart. Once it's clear, look back and see what the cause of my M was and how I contributed to it.
-W has her own process of seeking clarification. She needs to put in her own work to see and obtain said clarity.
-Tell myself "I will not be stuck on sadness and loneliness forever." (This is incredibly hard to believe right now. I am tearing up as I type this. I don't want to feel hopeless but I am.).
- Let my sadness have its way and run its course. Let it get recognized and do not try to suppress it. Allow me to shed tears over this (I am, trust me.)
- This is not loneliness I am feeling. This is sadness and grief and loss.
- Life always gives new and more opportunities. (When? How much more should I allow myself to take? Any shortcuts is not a good solution, drugs, alcohol, prostitution, all bad.)
THIS IS A VALUABLE LEARNING EXPERIENCE (Truer words have never been said.)
My thoughts:
I had a good six weeks. I did not have an emotional breakdown. I was not sad. I kept it together and had numerous great experiences.
I remember clearly what the trigger to my sadness was. I was in the restaurant with D4 having breakfast yesterday. As we were finishing up, I locked eyes on a gorgeous server. We locked eyes briefly and she went about her business. There were a few other times we glanced at each other before I left the restaurant. After I left, my mind said "Yeah right. Keep dreaming. Don't forget who you are. It took you 17 years to get ONE person and you think that you'll get someone like her? GTFO of here. She's taken, not your type, and so on. Dream on, creep."
I pressed on. Spent some great time with D4. Got gifts for her, W, and myself. Had a long and very quiet and lonely drive home. W called finally that evening asking for my whereabouts. I said I'll be home in an hour. 20 minutes later she texted me she was running an errand and was going to be late. Whatever. I drove home, made D4 take a bath, put on a show for her, and then unpacked. W came an hour later. As soon as she came in, I went to the shower, turned it on, and sat and cried for a good 10 minutes. Got out of the shower and saw W was crying as well. Made small chit-chat and we retreated to bed. I turned on my fan to drown out noise, prayed and asked the higher power for forgiveness, a relief from this pain, and another chance to find true love again.
