In some of your previous posts, I get the impression that you devoted so much time on fatherhood, that you neglected nourishing certain elements that are required for a good MR. Traditionally, this is common with mothers of young children. Her energy is exhausted on taking care of her family's needs, to the point her H feels neglected. In your case, you feel it was reversed, If I understand you correctly.
If your M is reconciled, or if you have another relationship...….will you know how to balance the needs between your children and your W? B/c it is about learning how to balance our availability, attention, and energy. If you don't learn, then you will likely experience the same problem again.
It wasn't so much a lack of balance. It's more that I largely ignored the relationship with my W for the last several years--while still being a good father. There was time to do both, so it wasn't a balancing issue. It was a bunch of things that I neglected. Things that attracted my W to me. Little and big surprises, date nights, day trips, etc. When I met my W, I had things that I did. I liked to fish, hunt, camp, hang out with friends, go on vacations with friends (especially to sporting events). I volunteered a lot (especially for the Special Olympics). By the end of our marriage, I had become a hermit. I started staying home mostly because I felt my W was overburdened because she was a work from home mom. She did a lot of the driving, getting the girls ready, etc. After awhile, I started to become too use to being a hermit, and I rarely did anything. I think that was a big turnoff for my W.
Originally Posted by sandi2
I don't think you have to show your W what a great father you are......since the kids were already the center of your time and attention.
The words that trip me in your quote are, "to be so attractive". Can you be motived to be an attractive individual, apart from fatherhood? Do you understand what I mean? You will always be a father, but you need to find your identity as a man, too.
This is where I'm drowning. Right after BD, I saw my W for one weekend. I did everything wrong. Pleading, doing little things for her, etc. She had no appreciation for this. Now, I understand why. Since late August, I have had a grand total of 5 minutes face-to-face time with my W--just when we meet at the airport when I go visit my girls. I'm unable to validate. I'm unable to show a more attractive side of me. I'm exercising, going out more, volunteering again, getting involved in my faith more. These are things that I'm doing for myself. These are things that might make me more attractive to my W, but she has no way of knowing about these things--except for the occasional post on social media. I feel like I can't even show a more attractive side of me until we live nearby again, and that will be long after the divorce is finalized. I still want to make these changes for me, but I'm at a loss to "show" my W these changes.
Originally Posted by sandi2
You said you were an alpha male before M, but that your W was a "dominant mare". My knowledge of horses is extremely limited, however, I don't think her being a dominant mare should have changed your status as a stallion. If anything, she is naturally attracted to the alpha. You said you rarely told her "no". In another part, you said something to the effect of hoping it helped to get your b@lls back. I think that says so much about the MR. Why not just get you b@lls and learn how to keep them? If you don't, then you aren't going to be happy about yourself as a man.
I think this is the question. I'm slowly getting my mojo back, but there's no chance to show her this. I'm pretty much going with little contact--unless she asks me a direct question. It keeps me sane, but I'm not sure it's the right thing to do in my sitch.
Originally Posted by sandi2
Look at the wording in your posts. You quit "for her". That's like going on a diet for someone else. It doesn't work well, b/c you've got to have that motivation for yourself. You can't do it just to make someone else happier. Ultimately, it has to be to make yourself happier.
I did quit for her. I know that was the problem. Ironically, I decided to quit for me (finally got some help with it--instead of trying to be a man and quitting cold turkey) on August 1st. Ten days later, my W told me she wanted a divorce. I have not chewed since. My doctor told me that I finally had the proper motivation.
How do you make yourself attractive when you are in a long distance separation?
