Why Keep Hope

[sandi2]

In some of your previous posts, I get the impression that you devoted so much time on fatherhood, that you neglected nourishing certain elements that are required for a good MR. Traditionally, this is common with mothers of young children. Her energy is exhausted on taking care of her family's needs, to the point her H feels neglected. In your case, you feel it was reversed, If I understand you correctly.

If your M is reconciled, or if you have another relationship...….will you know how to balance the needs between your children and your W? B/c it is about learning how to balance our availability, attention, and energy. If you don't learn, then you will likely experience the same problem again.

Without hope/expectation my main motivation has been to improve myself for my girls and my next partner. However, a part of me [b]is motivated to be so attractive and such a great father that the W regrets her decision.

I don't think you have to show your W what a great father you are......since the kids were already the center of your time and attention.

The words that trip me in your quote are, "to be so attractive". Can you be motived to be an attractive individual, apart from fatherhood? Do you understand what I mean? You will always be a father, but you need to find your identity as a man, too.

You said you were an alpha male before M, but that your W was a "dominant mare". My knowledge of horses is extremely limited, however, I don't think her being a dominant mare should have changed your status as a stallion. If anything, she is naturally attracted to the alpha. You said you rarely told her "no". In another part, you said something to the effect of hoping it helped to get your b@lls back. I think that says so much about the MR. Why not just get you b@lls and learn how to keep them? If you don't, then you aren't going to be happy about yourself as a man.

I also had an on again/off again chewing habit. I think it's where I lost her trust, to be honest. I'd quit for her, but then start up again behind her back.

Look at the wording in your posts. You quit "for her". That's like going on a diet for someone else. It doesn't work well, b/c you've got to have that motivation for yourself. You can't do it just to make someone else happier. Ultimately, it has to be to make yourself happier.

You are getting all twisted about her having a trust issue over the tobacco chewing. If you want to quit for your health sake, and b/c it's one of the nastiest, disgusting habits men can do......then do it. But don't do it just to please her or win her back. Don't do it to prove something to her. I see it running the same line as trying to keep her appeased and/or surrendering to her dominant position. I think that was probably routine in the relationship. If so, then the lack of b@lls was far more damaging than the tobacco chewing. Good news is that it can change. It begins with you changing how you think about yourself.