Just keep swimming, I think I can, I think I can

[marina7]

;( ;(
Tears to all of you, I honestly don't know
Where I would be this forum have been my family
As I stated I raised myself, I removed myself
From toxic family at 17, I been on my own
Also never been social so not many friends.

So from the bottom of my heart Thank you
I take every advice giving to me. As I am learning
Everyday. I must say things happen for a reason
And being here is one of them.

DnJ yes is hard trying to keep my emotions in control and kids

As I stated I raised my own, toxic mom toxic family
Sexually abused myself But this has been my hardest
Battle I have in Life, is hard hearing s9 say that.
Last night I tuck s9 and d10 and we talk about their feelings
And it's ok to feel sad and angry there feelings matter to Me
I just held them s9 said I feel better after telling you mommy it made
Me sad seeing mom like that. I also said yeah Me too.


D10 cried and cried one of those screetching cry
It was so heavy in my heart to hear her cry while I held her.
I just held her for a good 20min again my heart aches so bad.
D10 fell asleep in my arms.

Neffer, Peacetoday,Oneday and job and everyone who been
With me in my journey.

Well today therapy, the only way I can describe it is

Did anyone see Trump and kanye West meeting

Yelp basically that way. W was everywhere

The family therapist had to remind W
Couple times why we where there
To learn to communicate for kids.

In process W was all about herself
W me me me me I lost weight
I weight 131 I am this and that.

W look at her phone 2 or 3 times.
While therapist talking,

W blamed me for kids behavior why they don't respect her,
W said I don't even know if she is dating
I left because I feared for my life......


Yes you read this right. W said she left US because she feared for her
Life.
I of course took a deep breath and acknowledg and said I am sorry you felt
That can you give me some examples but remember we are here for our kids

W was moving back and fourth and writing everything down.
Literally made therapist repeat herself telling her I need write things down.

I was in all. I made my point across how can I co parent when W has s10
How do I co parent when W constantly feels attack or W feels
I am telling her what to do.

I gave therapist some examples

One was I call Trios when they with her
I ask Trios ho guys what ya Trios doing.

To W I am trying to find out what she doing.
Therapist ask how would you like Marina to ask kids.
W silence.

It was only 1 hour session and we going back.
We didn't get nowhere.

And that was an example I can't say nothing
Without W being paranoid. And I walking in eggshells

W made many comments

W I didn't expect to be a mom Marina
Wanted kids, I would say she didn't give up
In adopting our kids. But now that I am a mom I am embracing it
I want to be part of their life

M quiet. I was quite most of the time. I let W speak

Wow I was so in shock when W said that but I finally heard it
W didn't want to be a mom when we met W was active Marines.
Loved to go to bar and travel W wanted to live that party life.

As I stated I always been more quieter, I rather be at home watching Netflix
And cuddle with W and then when kids came along I just wanted us 5

I realized I made W settle. I now know what I always knew. W didn't want kids but
I did and still want to adopt more once life gets better.


So I am now wondering if W MLC or WAW started after d10,s9 they
Where unexpected adoption but I have no regrets. Here is the timeline.

2007 met W
2009 foster s10 was 4 months old temporary but I fought for him his parents
Where to young and still failing court order drug test
2012 officially adopted s10
2013 s9 and d10 came d10 was 3yrs old s9 was 2 yrs old
2014 I think I had a MLC I had an emotional affair, I did have a MLC but never left
2015 my first grandmal seizure almost died in como 2 days
2016 diagnosed with Multiple sclerosis after many testing
2016 got hurt bad at work and W was going to school while I
was holding house hold and any income.
2016 through 2017 many surgeries, many physical therapy also
Moved from our home to bigger home
2017 W shifted more, started new job in her field, Going out way more
Constantly on work phone.
2017 W throws me a birthday party announcement she so in love with me
W let's adopt another baby around March 2017.
And April BD on 2017

And now am here.

So honestly our life has always been chaos but when things started getting better
W shifted.