Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

Don, these sentences really jumped out at me. I'd be interested in finding out more. Why do you see those really looking for a relationship as clingy, overbearing, needy? And how would these traits manifest themselves for you?

I wonder the same thing as Focus does. Why does someone who really wants a relationship needy and clingy? They don't go hand in hand. I am not needy and clingy, but I would really love to share my life so someone, because it adds so much. There is definitely an in between. I don't think there is nature in those who want to share their lives with someone. That's a pretty broad generalization.

I didn't write that or state that very well at all. It's not at all simply someone wanting an R that that repels me. That's not it at all - it's how they act. It's someone who can't be by themselves, someone who is too anxious, is too excited, and acts clingy, etc. It's that type of thing that pushes me back. So if she is like "I'm pretty busy this week but maybe we can get together over the weekend" i'm fine with it, but if she's like "I can meet you anytime this week" or "I can cancel the plans I have so we can go out" and maybe those are even bad examples but I guess what I'm trying or even struggling to explain is someone who is happy with their life but is willing to add to it I'm fine with, someone who is not happy unless they have a BF, wants me to make them happy, make their life, etc. really puts me off - as well as other things.

I can just sense it - sometimes it's overtly clear. I had one woman, several actually, who as soon as I'd pick up my phone or logon to Facebook within minutes there would be a message - "Hi how are you, what are you up to?" It got so I didn't even want to log on anymore. I finally turned off messager so they could not see when I was on. It's being too available, it's wanting too much. Now, this girl was smart enough to back off some - and I did finally say, "are you stalking me or something, seems like you know when i pick up my phone," but I caught it again this weekend as she's really trying to get me to do that trip that I mentioned to Nashville to record. Yes, she's being nice, but she also knows Wild Girl is not currently in the picture and I think she thinks this is an opportunity. Now, I also only find her partly physically attractive. She's not the greatest kisser or intimately either. Personality wise her and I connect well, and I know we'll have fun together. I just don't know that I have more than friendship feelings for her.

So I don't know - i'm the broken one here - you guys tell me. I just get this uncomfortable feeling in my gut - a feeling that I don't at all get with Wild Girl and some others. A feeling that this does not feel good, I feel cornered and pressured and want space. BACK OFF!

Ginger, it's hard to tell just from knowing you here - plus you are much more honest and open here and the things you may say to us you would not to others. That said, I think it comes across that you really want an R. I know I've said that before to you. I know for sure some of your previous guys have sensed it. It remains to be seen if current guy is starting to. It stinks, it sux, you should be able to be honest, yet with some people - including guys like me - it can be the kiss of death.

I hope that clarifies better - Suffice to say, I'm not at all claiming of feeling that anyone wanting an R pushes me away and/or is needy or clingy. Some clearly are, but not even close to all.

And what is it about the not knowing that troubles you? How do you know what it going to happen next?

I've always been this way. Does that make me controlling? And it's not just with Rs it's with life. I am a planner. I don't at all like it when things don't go well or go as planned. Early in my work life if projects would not be going well or something was wrong or off, it would really bother me, i'd not be able to sleep. I remember some 35 years ago not getting a track "right" for a recording and I could not sleep until I woke up in the middle of the night, drove the studio and re-did the part. Now I'm not nearly that OCD these days, but it's an example. Again, perhaps not the best example but with Wild Girl, if she would just say something like "Don, I'm busier, I've been hanging out with a few other people, the girls are back in school. I still want to go on the cruise with you, don't worry i won't bail on you, relax, we're good" I'd be fine - TOTALLY FINE. My fear is she's going to limp this along and bail after it's too late. The thing is, if I push her, she will bail for sure, so all I can really do is quietly try to lineup a backup and start dropping hints to the promoter I might be making a switch. My gut tells me in the meantime, whatever is going on will run it's course and we'll be fine in January.

It's my understanding that many Avoidants become so because they had a high maintenance parent (like a borderline, or alcoholic, or just smothering). Because of this they fear being "engulfed" in a relationship.

I've read that many times myself and can say that in my case it's clearly a piece of the puzzle that does not fit. I did not at all have the type of parents that fit the mold of an Avoidant. In fact if anything, at least my mom is avoidant herself. She nor my dad had any sort of addiction issues (other part that doesn't fit for what happened to me) neither relied on me in an unhealthy way. Just none of it. Read what the parent of an LA is supposed to look like and it's nothing like my parents.

I've never heard about the LA also not being able to relate to life struggles either. Clearly that was not my reaction to even your news KML with CMM. Perhaps like my addiction, where the main pieces fit but some of the others do not at all fit the typical addiction mode, I don't have all of the LA traits either. And I may not even be one. Remember I'm self diagnosing here. I just first came to believe this might be the case when I first read about it and that first article so clearly outlined my ex W (a love addict) and me. I was like OMG, that's US - that's ME!!!! I really do think I could and would overcome it with the right person. So far, I just don't connect with many "right" people, those I do connect with sometimes appear to be broken and unhealthy, and even the ones that do seem to come together, something falls apart.

I'm hoping my lunch date for this week doesn't bail. While deep down all of this is no huge deal, I'm just wore out from it all.

And, so what do you think has happened - well sorta? Again, It's like either I can sense it, I find the wrong women, or nearly everyone does it so it's so common. Anyhow, short recap, while removing my very old profile from an OLD, had someone contact me. We had quite a bit of conversation, somewhat quick responses and very lengthy on both of our parts. We agreed to meeting, she suggested this Tuesday or Thursday for a drink. As the week went on her responses took longer to arrive and some got shorter in length. She suggested Tuesday or Thursday on this past Friday afternoon. I responded Saturday morning with Tuesday working and suggested details. I didn't hear back over the weekend and left it hang. Got a message through the system (even though I did give her my number days ago already) saying:

"Can we plan on meeting next Tuesday by chance? I have a lot going on this week! Also I will answer all of your questions and touch on the topics that we have been discussing when we meet if that’s OK too..."

Now, she is laid off and seems to have nothing but time on her hands. I'm going to take her at face value here but something just tells me we will never end up meeting. Let's see if I'm right or wrong. I just get the feeling something is spooking her, she's met someone else, or she just likes the attention or who knows what. Just something as a simple one hour meeting for a drink needs to be put off for a week? Odd, and certainly not the actions of someone anxious to meet me.

As for Wild Girl, no call and not even a response to my text on Sunday. I won't go into all of the details of why I suspect or perhaps even know (okay very strongly suspect) but I'm near positive she had a sleep over with someone on Saturday and into Sunday. Her presence or lack of on social media is somewhat a giveaway. She has even said as much when with me. She may have been with him when I texted or she just didn't want to talk with me after a weekend with someone else. As I wrote today on another thread, at this point, I just want this cruise to go through - for all sorts of reasons. After that, whatever - bye. I am back to looking for a replacement and may test the waters or at least let out a few comments that I might need to ask for tickets to be done with a new name and see what kind of a response or as I fear, what kind of blow back and financial hit I get back.

That cloud that I felt move in over my head two or three weeks ago now just doesn't seem to want to move on. I have thoughts on that too but this has already gotten far too long!

Comments are always welcome. I'm going to respond to the new OLD girl tonight. Any suggestions on that are welcome.