Hoosjim's 16th. Looks like we're piecing, folks.

[hoosjim]

Quick update:

W and I had a little trust/doubt issue this past Thursday, but, in a strange twist of fate, the roles were reversed. As part of my GAL's during the A, i cultivated a local pub as a hangout. Became a regular, made some new friends, there (including the owner), got a couple of my own friends interested who now frequent the place, etc. Thursdays were my day to go there, as it is only about 6-7 minutes from my house and I work out of the house on Thursdays. Typically, i would go there in the late afternoon, take my laptop, sit out on the outdoor patio, and finish up my admin work while enjoying a beverage and listening to live musicians when they have one. Then i would typically hang out for a couple hours after that. It's become my regular Thursday afternoon "Me" time.

Now, W, when we started the on-again off-again reconcilliation process, would drop by there sometimes herself (I had indicated she was welcome to do so) as it is on her way home from work, and she has gone there some on her own with her own friends occasionally. She is a little leary of the attractive young lady bartender with whom i am friendly (she's convinced she gets the cold shoulder from her when she is there with me) but otherwise likes and enjoys going to the place herself.

At any rate, this past Thursday, W calls me from work: "Where are you?" she asks. "On the toll road", I say. "Why on the tollroad?" "Because I'm going to the pub" I answer. "Oh" she says. A slight pause. "Are you going to drop by?" I ask. "No, i was going to go home and get some stuff together to send to ______" (Our nephew who is recovering from surgery) "Is _____________ (my buddy) going to be there?" She asks. "Not sure", I reply "With the weather the way it is [it was crappy rainy] he's not sure how traffic will be. He's said he's going to try to show, but if he does not, I'll prolly come back early and not make an evening of it." "Okay" she says, "If you get back early enough, maybe we can make the care package together." "K", i say, "See you later."

So, long story short, my buddy DOES show, but tells me he is going to be later than usual. This has happened once or twice before, so i think nothing else about it, order him his drink before happy hour ends and he is there a couple minutes after 7. We hang out, have a couple, and at 8 (when i would normally be leaving) i text W: "___________ and i are finishing up our drinks. Heading home soon. Love ya." No reply. I get home about 8:40 and she is already in bed. I climb in bed and try talking and snuggling up to her a bit, but she is "asleep" or playing possum. She murmurs back in response, so I go downstairs, make a snack, watch some of the news, and come back up to bed about 10.

Next morning i ask her "you sure everything's okay?" She's a bit short but says "yes". Later on during the workday, i propose we meet for a drink and a crabcake at an open air restaurant near her office. She says okay, and when i get there she starts apologizing... "Sorry i'm hormonal right now"... "I know nothing's going on"... "I just sometimes get like this from time to time...and i know deep down you wouldn't but i still get these fleeting thoughts like he's made all these new friends and now he's going to show up one day like 'payback's a b***h, meet Suzie". So we hold hands across the table and talk about it, and i tell her "you know im all in on this, right? And that if i wasn't i wouldn't be here... i wouldn't have come back. I don't want anyone else." She says "I know"... and we talk about the importance of communication, and i say i know i could have been clearer about my plans, and will be so in the future, and that we should expect that of each other.

So, all good. But it was interesting how the roles have flip flopped, isn't it? The change in her demeanor has truly been profound. She's actually worried about losing me.

So, i guess the morals of the story are: 1) Communication and openness and transparency are crucial to building or rebuilding trust, 2) WW's can and do change their stripes and, i would add 3) It is important for both spouses to understand and believe that the other one is "all in"... What my pastor calls the principle of "I will stay", meaning "I will stick by you and stay with you no matter what." This principle allows you to be open and honest and conflict (when necessary) with your spouse fairly and with good rather than bad outcomes.