I feel amazing today and think I have finally sort of figured some of this stuff out. I could be wrong but I think I have made a great step forward and that;s basically that I don't care anymore.
Slooooooow down! You've been told this is a marathon and here's the deal- that's exactly what it is. You're about 2 weeks in which means you've taken about 1 step in that marathon. You've barely stepped over the STARTING line! I promise you this- you still care and to say that you don't just means you're in denial. Everyone here goes through that denial phase early on, but that is not healthy because what it means is you're taking all those emotions and feelings and burying them behind a wall of denial. Guess what happens though, they keep piling up on the other side of that wall until the wall collapses right on top of you! The ONLY way is THROUGH. You've got to feel the hurt and pain and suffering to recover. After you read DR, read The Happiness Trap. It was very helpful to me in understanding my feelings better and how to deal with them.
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Before you read too far into that let me clarify. It is not that I don't care about my family, it is not that I don't care about my wife and it is not that I don't want my relationship to work. I came to the realization that I am better then this. I have made mistakes in my marriage, I have not been the best husband that I could be. But you know what, who has? I am human and I make mistakes and I learn from them. Last night I went out and met some amazing people/friends. It was a two fold night that included GAL and ended up including a lot of self help and something just clicked. I still have a ways to go in the area of self help but I am starting to love myself again. I realized that I am not so bad. I realized that I am a great person, great father and have a ton to offer. Most importantly I realized that I deserve better and I deserve to be loved to. I realized that I am not wrong to want the kind of intimate, connected, passionate relationship that I want. Most importantly I realized that right now that isn't possible with my W. I have a clear vision of who I want to be and what I want and ultimately if W can't see that and wants to walk away from that then she has to live with that decision. One day she will realize what she is missing out on. I hope when that day comes it isn't to late but I am moving forward and I am going to be fine no matter what happens.
All that is great but I will just say again, you are trying to rush the recovery process. Recovery takes a long time, it is a slow and difficult process. Don't expect that you can just throw a switch and you're there. Would be awesome if it was that easy!
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I am simply going to be my happy friendly self. I am slowly getting my confidence back and I am going to continue working on myself for myself.
Great.
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I am not going to let the outcome of my marriage affect me in any way.
It can and should affect you in very deep and meaningful ways. Regardless of the outcome this should be a learning experience for you and be a trigger to do some deep self-reflection and rebuilding.
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I am going to be friendly and kind because that's the kind of person I am and regardless of what comes my way I'm going to stick to that.
I think I suggested "No More Mister Nice Guy" earlier, do put it on your reading list. What you describe here is the NG mindset, which isn't a healthy one. We all experience a wide range of emotions every day and it serves no one to bury them behind a "nice and friendly" facade. A lot of NMMNG is working on being more "real" with people and just being yourself instead of who you think you should be or who you think others want you to be.
