Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

I know you have felt that you are an emotionally/commitment avoidant personality. Do you find any relationship between that and your past addiction? Did the addiction contribute to that in any way or was it there to begin with and perhaps led to the addiction?

No I don't believe it did nor have I seen any reported correlation of being avoidant causing addiction. Very clearly in my case it did not. Now, on the reverse, addiction often will cause people to pull back, retreat, give up friends, family, loved ones. They most certainly retreat into their addiction. So if you saw this in your husband it is very likely caused by his addiction. That said, being avoidant does not, in my view, cause addiction.

As for me, I've long had these traits - way before I knew what they were. I've always been very independent, enjoy being on my own, very selective of friends, etc. Now, with people that I connect with I am extremely outgoing, friendly, etc. I am also that way with people I am interested in romantically. However, for whatever reason, one of two things have been common - I pursue, pursue, pursue, and remain very interested right until the person says "Okay, I'm yours, you have me, I want to be with you, let's get serious" after which I sometimes to often lose interest at that point. The other thing that has happened is I can stay invested so long as pressure is not put on me - like where is this going, let's take this to the next level and especially "I want to get married again, that's the end goal" - it's not for me.

I was thinking today how sick I am of this always ending this way. I feel so much like Ginger has said - waiting for the next shoe to drop. It always seems to happen - just like it has with Wild Girl. Even as things are just starting out with this OLD lady that I'm supposed to meet with week - I'm already waiting for her to ghost me, pull back, say she's changed her mind or whatever. And that's because that's what always seems to happen. The thing is, I wonder if it's because I'm choosing people who are often free spririt types, bounce from one thing to another, are not looking for commitments themselves. Those who are really looking for a relationship often turn me off. I see them as clingy, or over bearing, needy, etc. The thing is, those types likely would not do what those I find an interest in do. By their nature, they are all in, clingy, needy, really want someone. That's somewhat how my ex W was. So should I be at all surprised when the types of women I am attracted to get a whim to move onto the next best thing. Not sure how this all came to me but it did and I wonder if I'm not on track with that.

What you are saying makes a lot of sense about wild girl. You suspected that going in though. I think its a good idea to keep your options open now and date! Wild girl is distancing and giving signs of fading out, so this is fine. Maybe she self sabotages? Maybe she doesn't want a relationship? Regardless it doesn't matter. Her actions do. And the beat thing is to go by what works for you.

I think she does self-sabotage. I think that's been her all along. She's long said she's not looking for an R - those were her words though while her actions were very different. What she is saying really has not changed, what has changed is before, while she was saying we are not dating (just hanging out, etc) she was very into me - likely too much so. Her words kind of said one thing while her actions said another. I'd say her actions are now more matching her words. It's just disappointing as it was a lot of fun and I was hoping it would continue. Now being connected with this cruise adds another level to it. It's all guesses and mind reading but I have a strong feeling she's met someone and has done this weekend what her and I did over the summer. I'm betting it will be another casual thing and likely drop, but something tells me she's doing with him what she was doing with me. She really is broken - look at my early comments and I used those words. Still I got sucked in because it was fun - and well to be honest, the amazing sex didn't hurt. Knowing her family also helped. I guess just as much, it's the not knowing. I've never been good with that in all aspects of life. I want to know what's going to happen next. If I knew, that would be helpful to me. As it is, I'm left guessing.

I'm hoping my lunch date for this week doesn't bail. While deep down all of this is no huge deal, I'm just wore out from it all. Who would ever have thought that at age 55 I'd be going through this high school-like crap? Do people ever grow up? I expect teenagers to ghost and change their mind and have a new boyfriend or girlfriend every month, etc. But at this age, really? Is it too much to ask to just find someone who is as honest as I am and won't play these games? Clearly it is - just look at all of the stories on here!