Thank you Kiwi. I have a couple of things organized for next week that I'm looking forward to and will help keep me on track so I am working hard. I am doing a lot of journaling and focusing on my PMA. As long as I stay present and future focused I'm okay. I still find the nights a bit tough sometimes even though I am really used to my H not being around at night. Sometimes my mind will drift into the past a bit and there is this anger that comes out of nowhere. Even though I am glad I am no longer living a lie and I am happier with myself than I have been in a long time.. still the anger is there. Not sure what I am supposed to do with it sometimes. Swallowing it doesn't seem all that healthy nor does using it to confront my H. I know he knows what he did was wrong. I know he has a lot of shame around it. I know that his shame is the greatest when he is in my company which is why he runs from me/it. I can't imagine what that is like... to lie to everyone who cares about you for so long. I don't pity him... he got himself into this mess... but there is a big part of me that still wants to take care of him. That is so crazy to me...lol.
I talked with him a couple days ago about what to tell his daughter who is 18. I have been her stepmom for 11 years and the parent she has always turned to when she is upset or needing help. Her dad she has always been wary of (they did not meet until she was 7 so she had some preconceived notions about him - long story) and her mom overreacts and makes everything about her. Since our family trip to Mexico in January, however, if I'm not able to pick up the phone, she calls her dad for support. I have worked so hard for the past decade paving the way for that and running interference, etc... It was very taxing on me emotionally... but it is finally paying off. Anyway... I know that if I told her the whole truth about what her dad has been doing and for how long, that would be a huge step backward in their relationship. It would serve him right... but she does not deserve that and they have such a positive relationship now. I could in no way justify telling her. So... we agreed that we would keep the info limited to what is happening now. He texted me yesterday that he had had a good conversation with her and that she was calling him again at the end of the day. I texted back that I was very pleased for both of them. And then, to my surprise, he texted me back "I owe it all to you." That's the closest I've ever gotten to an unsolicited thank-you. It felt good.
So... the story continues. I know there will still be lots of ups and downs and there will be days I don't feel quite as good as I did on Wednesday but I am committed and I keep reminding myself over and over that I am not missing anything or anyone that was REAL... just a fantasy really. When I keep that foremost in my brain, I do really well.
Journaling... I saw my H today. He picks the kids up from school on Fridays and usually feeds them dinner. We had a brief talk. He has stopped going to his therapy group. I asked him “why” and he said the people there were just “too weird”. I don’t doubt that but still... disheartening because they are teaching skills there that he could use. But...he is still going to IC so at least that is something. We talked about some stuff at his work and just general newsy stuff. He caught be looking out the window at one point and asked me what I was thinking. Normally, I would have said “nothing’ but I answered honestly and said that I missed our friendship. He nodded and said the last few days of friendship have been nice. Of course, now I am thinking maybe I am being too friendly. Honestly it has not been hard as he has been very nice to me lately and when I have had to text him about the kids, he has responded right away which is very unlike him. Not reading anything into it though. Most of the time, I suspect it is just his guilt and that I don’t give him a whole lot to be mad at. Anyway... I am going to go as NC as possible the next little while... for my sake. I don’t really need him for a friend. I have lots of friends here. Next weekend is his birthday. He is going to have the kids that day. I am going out of town with my sister for a much-needed break.
Last night I resolved not to text my H on Saturday expecting that there would be NC. Then this morning, I got a text from him that was completely out of the blue. He texted me what he was doing that morning (huh?) and then asked me to let him know if the kids and I were going to be home that afternoon (double huh?). He closed with “enjoy the sun today . I was jumping into the shower when the text arrived so I let it sit for awhile. While I was in the shower, he sent another text telling me that he was going to call his daughter today (something I always asked him to do). So...awhile later, I answered him that my son was going to be home with a friend and that I had a lot to do today so did not know what I or our daughter would be doing. I also let him know that his mom would be away on Tuesday and Wednesday so I would need help with the kids as I was supposed to be going out on Tuesday night. He responded right away that he has a job interview before he comes over but that “we will need to brainstorm” and “a solution will present itself”... followed by another smiley face. I just sent back a thumbs up. So... strange. Over that past few years, H has never freely texted me with his itinerary. If I asked where he was going, it was “errands” but he never volunteered information. I now know that any information, for him, was always going to be a lie to cover up a previous lie and so on, and so on. So I get why he was always so short on info.
Anyway... that is the latest instalment. I’m just going to keep on keeping on.
So...that was weird. My H texted me at 4:00 that he was done with his work and needed to clean up and would it be too problematic for him to drop by after. I told him it was up to him as the kids and I were just hanging out. He showed up about an hour later. Said “hi” to the kids and spent about five minutes with them. He then spent almost an hour “chatting” with me about various things including some horror movies on Netflix he thought I should watch. Huh? Not a chance. Anyway... as suddenly as he appeared, he said he needed to go to check on our boat. Hugged the kids “good-bye” and came back into the living room where I was and sat back down for a couple minutes. He then got up and said he would see me in the morning. I didn’t get up. So he did an awkward wave goodbye and off he went. I don’t have the slightest clue why he showed up. He hasn’t done that before. Typically he stays away with little to no contact.
Talking to him is so bizarre these days. It’s like we are having a conversation but neither of us are actually talking about what is really on our minds. So we have this awkward superficial exchange like two acquaintances would have. The good news is that, unlike a couple of weeks ago, his leaving didn’t hurt me or affect my mood. I’m just taking each day as it comes and not going to read too much into it.
H showed up this morning to take the kids out. Kids were about to eat their Sunday morning pancakes. When he came in, I was busy in the kitchen so I didn’t say hi right away. So he comes in and tries to catch my eye and says “Hi?” in the way that he does when he is wondering if something is wrong. I just gave him my best smile and offered him some pancakes which he accepted. We chatted for a bit and then he started to ask... “Do you want to...” and then stopped himself and asked if I had my posse today. My posse? “Yeah...are your friends coming over?” I knew he had almost asked me if I wanted to go with them and it was on the tip of my tongue to say “yes...lots of plans” but, like an idiot, I say, “No...no posse today.” “Oh,” he says obviously thinking better of asking me to go with them. It bugs me to help get them ready so he can take them out to do something fun, so I went off to my room and left him to it. He came in a bit later to tell me that he is stressing about his interview [for a promotion at work] on Tuesday and to ask me if I am okay. “I am great,” I said.
So... off he went with the kids yelling “Bye” as he walked out the door. He’s taking the kids to a corn maze. I hope there are a ton of families there... with moms and dads... I hope he looks around and even if only for a second, it dawns on him that he might miss me a bit or that it might have been more fun with both of us there. Of course, even if he does feel that, I’m sure he will stuff the feelings and continue to detach in his expert way. Sigh... good news though... him leaving that way brought up a flash of anger/sadness/frustration and then it was gone. Even a week ago, it would have ruined my whole day. Not today. It is a beautiful day out there. I’m going to get my chores done and get out there to enjoy it.
You sound like you are in a good place. When H first moved out (6 months ago) it would break my heart watching him take the kids away for the day or over night. I would hold it together right until i closed the door, then I would collapse in a heap and cry. I have just said goodbye to them, and whilst it still hurts to watch them all go, a part of me looks forward to now having the house to myself.
Time is a great healer. The pain never truly goes away but I know my kids are safe and they are loved (by both of us) and that (and this is the one that takes the longest to learn), we, H, me and our girls, will be fine no matter what happens. It has taken me six months to get here, and the shock of discovering he is dating, to really get my [censored] into gear, but I am there. You sound like you are there already. Keep your chin up. He sounds like he has refocused on the kids and that can only be a good thing.
Enjoy your chores. Try and see the beauty in the mundane things.
Thank you for stopping by FS and for you words of encouragement. I’m a bit peeved at my H and resisting the urge to text him that he is a complete A-hole. Anyway... I was minding my own business quite proud of myself for getting a lot done in a short period of time when I get this text. He and the kids took the boat out to drop off a crab trap and “they” thought it would be nice if I went back out with them to pick it up. So... I thought about it... I thought about saying I was busy [should have gone with that] but truth is that it is such a beautiful day and I love being out on the water so I agreed. I meet them at the dock downtown and it was a nice boat ride. I sat with my daughter in the back so H and I didn’t really talk a whole lot. He just said “nice to see you” when I got there. Anyway... we get back to where we keep our boat so H needed to drive me to my car. My daughter then asks if they are still going to the corn maze as they hadn’t gone yet. “Yep,” he says. “Just have to drop mama off at her car.” LIke it was great to have her on the boat ride but now she needs to go home. F*%$ you!!!!!!
So he dropped me off with his stupid a** singsong “bye”. I just got out of the car, told the kids to have fun with their dad and left. I feel humiliated. Like he can just take me off the shelf and put me back on there whenever he wants. It would have been better if he hadn’t invited me at all. I was actually having a nice day until that. The worst part is that he probably has no idea what a rude, inconsiderate jerk he is. No idea. Just more food for thought on my end, I suppose. Is this really the kind of self-absorbed person I want to be with? Nope... not this person.
Am I overreacting here or was that as big of an a-hole move as I think it was? Okay... now I just got myself mad and sent him a text telling him he is an inconsiderate a-hole. Sometimes you can only take so much, you know?
So much for DBing. Took a bit of a step backward. I was not prepared for how I would feel when my H dropped me off at my car and left again with our kids for more “family time”. It really hit me out of the blue... I just felt this anger I hadn’t felt in a long time. So...I texted him in anger. He replied later on that he was truly sorry and he hadn’t intended to be inconsiderate and that he had felt “guilty” for being on the boat with the kids without me so he texted me to see if I wanted to join them. Guilty... ugh. So I texted him that I didn’t need his guilt and that I had wanted a husband who would take our kids to a corn maze for four years and that I hoped his renewed interest in them was not guilt. Double ugh. Guilt. What an awful feeling. Not what I want my H to feel when he thinks about me. So... two steps forward and one step back. It was such a good weekend too. Ending that way really, really sucked. Hope other people on here have a better ending to their weekends. (((HUGS))) to you all.
He and the kids took the boat out to drop off a crab trap and “they” thought it would be nice if I went back out with them to pick it up. So... I thought about it... I thought about saying I was busy [should have gone with that] but truth is that it is such a beautiful day and I love being out on the water so I agreed.
It was a beautiful day and you love being on the water, that sounds like great reasons to agree. But.... you should only do it if you can do it with zero expectations.
Quote
“Yep,” he says. “Just have to drop mama off at her car.” LIke it was great to have her on the boat ride but now she needs to go home. F*%$ you!!!!!!
But it sounds like you did have expectations. You've got to drop them, because every time you have them you are setting yourself up for disappointment! I think you got a little caught up in his sudden chattiness with you and hoped that it meant something. All it means is that he's trying to make sure you are still on as Plan B. Once that's established he's back to "business as usual".
Quote
I feel humiliated. Like he can just take me off the shelf and put me back on there whenever he wants.
I can certainly understand why he made you feel that way! Just take all those feelings and put them in a handy place so that you can remind yourself why not to lapse from DB'ing when he starts sending you more false signals.
Quote
It would have been better if he hadn’t invited me at all.
It would have been better had he asked and you said "no", because he needs to get that cold slap in the face that you are NOT Plan B.
Quote
now I just got myself mad and sent him a text telling him he is an inconsiderate a-hole.
Don't do that, you are just reaffirming to him that you are Plan B. Positive or negative attention, it's all the same to him- attention. You've got to work on getting to a place where you just see him as a minor annoyance rather than the person that has so much control over you that he can wreck your day by simply not inviting you somewhere.
Thank you for that much-needed 2x4 AS. You are totally right. This was all my doing. It was one of my first big tests and I epically failed.
I re-read his invitation again... it suggested we take the boat ride together and then he could drive me back to my car which is exactly what happened. I obviously went in with expectations I was not fully aware of... that he would invite me to continue on with their time together. So... I missed two opportunities. The first one was when he texted me and I could have said "no". It crossed my mind, believe me, but I know he had almost asked me to go with them before and this was the first of this kind of invite so I went against my better judgement and agreed to meet them. Opportunity number two was when he dropped me off, I could have thanked him for the invite and genuinely told my kids to have a great day with their dad and went happily off to have dinner with my sister [which was my plan in the first place - and I did manage to enjoy it despite all of this]. But no... I reacted... and then took my giant step backward. That sucked because the weekend had gone so well. My H and I did end up having a bit more communication. He apologized...said there were no ill intentions and that he "had been reaching out" (whatever that means) and I apologized for overreacting when I knew that he had not intended to hurt me. He later on sent me a text thanking me and told me to sleep well.
So back to DBing this week. I have plans tonight and tomorrow night with friends so H will be with the kids at our house... gone before I return which is good. Wednesday we have a parent-teacher interview that will hopefully go okay although I know my son has said things to her about our sitch so hoping that doesn't come up. Thursday is my day with the twins but H may want to see them as he is going away to his annual writers' conference Friday and Saturday. Sunday is my overnight trip with my sister. H will be with the kids and I will be gone before he arrives so we won't be seeing each other or communicating much at all this weekend. Typically when he goes to this conference, he will send me periodic texts about how it is going but I know that won't happen this time and I am okay with it. I need the break.
Anyway... this is definitely a "down" in the ups and downs I predicted. I still feel like I am in a pretty good place despite my slip up. Yesterday really did catch me by surprise and was a valuable learning experience. The stupid part is that I knew at the time that I was making all the wrong choice((s)... I just got caught up in my hurt feelings and let my heart overrule my head. I will be sure to remember this the next time something like this comes up.
Guilt. What an awful feeling. Not what I want my H to feel when he thinks about me. So... two steps forward and one step back. It was such a good weekend too. Ending that way really, really sucked. Hope other people on here have a better ending to their weekends. (((HUGS))) to you all.