Equalzr's WW. Still accepting advice! Pt 3

[equalzr]

Hey, I'm getting around to reading more people's sitches and I'm working on yours. Looks like your WW has some similarities to mine, and you might have some similarities to me. Codependent, beta, focused on "providing" rather than leading. Forgive me if that's inaccurate. But hey, we're learning, right?

Does being spiteful help her deal with her guilt??

Yes, I think. I see you have trouble detaching, as do I. I know that I'm so sensitive to what other people think of me that I pretty much always assume that what they're saying is right and what I feel or think is therefore wrong. So WW runs around berating and rewriting and changing goalposts. Mainly to justify her actions and assuage her guilt.

But how do we know? And how do we know how much is true? And isn't there a grain of truth to all of it? So then which came first, her spitefulness or the A? Sandi would say the spitefulness came first. But then I think they double down on it, a) because it has worked for them in the past, b) because of human nature and the need (for some people) to make other people feel bad so they feel less bad about themselves. My WW even used THAT to justify her actions. Told me that I was always making her feel bad to make myself feel less bad. Now I feel bad about having done that. So we were both codependents with low self-esteem. Is there any wonder my M disintegrated? Yeesh.

As to the thing about OM coaching our WWs, that one just gets me riled up. It goes against my own personal narrative of WW being such a sweet, innocent woman. Much easier to blame it on OM, thinking they actually sat down and discussed strategies to keep the thing going. I mean what kind of person has the guts to do that? "Hey let's use this app so that our idiot spouses don't catch us." Makes me want to hurl.

Burned, thanks for taking the time to look at my sitch.

My ww told me that if i was doing everything i was supposed to do, the door to her A would have never been opened up. No matter what, they wont take responsibility.

As far as OM goes, when i was in my snooping phase i saw messages of them talking about our family business and even discussing my S. Thats what really set me off. How low is ww that she would discuss our S with OM and have him give her input. The moment i saw that, i lost the last little bit of respect i had for my WW. I dont like OM one bit and its tough not to go do something to him at times, but my vows were with my WW who decided to go lay in another mans bed w/ him. Also, i know that WW and OM lie and manipulate each other so they are in love in a symbiotic(?) R. I think distrust will probably be their undoing at some point.

As far as me personally, i think i had relaxed as i grew a bit older and became more beta. Ive never been one to care what people think of me, but i do care what my family thinks of me. Detaching has been tough, we have 20 years together. I accepted MR was over long ago and ive recently accepted there is nothing left. That doesnt mean i dont still long for the W i had though.