Equalzr's WW. Still accepting advice! Pt 3

[burned]

Hey, I'm getting around to reading more people's sitches and I'm working on yours. Looks like your WW has some similarities to mine, and you might have some similarities to me. Codependent, beta, focused on "providing" rather than leading. Forgive me if that's inaccurate. But hey, we're learning, right?

Does being spiteful help her deal with her guilt??

Yes, I think. I see you have trouble detaching, as do I. I know that I'm so sensitive to what other people think of me that I pretty much always assume that what they're saying is right and what I feel or think is therefore wrong. So WW runs around berating and rewriting and changing goalposts. Mainly to justify her actions and assuage her guilt.

But how do we know? And how do we know how much is true? And isn't there a grain of truth to all of it? So then which came first, her spitefulness or the A? Sandi would say the spitefulness came first. But then I think they double down on it, a) because it has worked for them in the past, b) because of human nature and the need (for some people) to make other people feel bad so they feel less bad about themselves. My WW even used THAT to justify her actions. Told me that I was always making her feel bad to make myself feel less bad. Now I feel bad about having done that. So we were both codependents with low self-esteem. Is there any wonder my M disintegrated? Yeesh.

As to the thing about OM coaching our WWs, that one just gets me riled up. It goes against my own personal narrative of WW being such a sweet, innocent woman. Much easier to blame it on OM, thinking they actually sat down and discussed strategies to keep the thing going. I mean what kind of person has the guts to do that? "Hey let's use this app so that our idiot spouses don't catch us." Makes me want to hurl.