I'm Broken III

[HelenaJ]

Hi Sia, thanks for posting. I'm glad you're back, I have been following your thread again but I'm not posting much anymore. To answer your question, no there is no hurry. I keep asking for the universe to show me the next steps and I've had signs, big ones. For instance, I was torn between two jobs last December. I needed to leave where I was, I had outgrown the environment. I signed an offer letter with a company and then I got an email from another company about a position. I politely declined saying that I had already accepted another position. The CEO called me before he saw that email and convinced me to come for an interview. He wanted to hire me on the spot, told me I was worth every penny of what I was asking for (whereas the other company could only meet my compensation requirement through a bonus plan which I wasn't thrilled about). I debated and obsessed over this for the next several days and ended up accepting that position and apologizing profusely to the other company. I took that position in December, my husband told me he never wanted to be a couple again in March. I got a $30k raise at my job shortly thereafter. The raise came out of the blue and who gets a $30k raise?? I mean really. This was like the universe telling me I was going to be fine. Go Heather, you and the kids will be fine. But I didn't go. There have been other signs as well but so far I just keep ignoring them because like you said, what is the hurry? I get to be in my home, sleep in my own bed and see my kids every day.
I am lonely, my H and I haven't been intimate in over a year. I worry that I'm not following the right path. I worry that what you allow will continue. I worry that my children will lose respect for me as they realize what a void marriage this is. I worry that they will think this is also what they should be willing to tolerate in their relationships. I worry that I one day I might get so depressed I go to bed and then refuse to get back out. I worry about how alone I will feel when my Mother passes. My dad passed three years ago and there is something profound that happens when a parent dies but that is a whole other story.
I've been thinking a lot about something I read recently: "You are not here to experience a life that happens to you but rather to be a creator of it. Happiness lies within the personal act of creation not in the retrospective reaction to what others create around you." Living this way was not my choice, it was not my decision. I am 100% confident that I would have moved out if my H had given me the impression that we would successfully coparent our children no matter what instead of telling me I was going to completely destroy them. I am here even though I don't want to be because as difficult as this is, I'm afraid that leaving would be even worse.
The bottom line is that there is no hurry to make any decisions. But I feel like I should be strong enough and smart enough to be making a conscious decision one way or the other instead of just living in this awful state of indecision. It is eating me from the inside out.