Thanks everyone for the great feedback and being my personal cheerleaders. This community means so much to me and I am so happy to connect with all of you as we navigate this bonkers phase of our lives. Good news is that there is an end to it and we can learn to live our lives even better.
Nef - Love having you in my corner. Mad hugs and love to you and I hope that you are doing well. I am so moved by your comment about fatherhood. Dang! You making me cry for a change. I also never had a father and I intend to give my children every bit of me and make sure that they got me forever in their corner with immense love.
Ovr - I totally get what you're saying. My journey has felt very long and you can read all up on it if you'd like and have the time. My decision to move towards D has been hard fought and it comes from a position of strength rather than despair or using it as a tactic. I am super good with who I am and what my values are, and I know what I have to offer the world. I have no regrets about my journey and what I have done to save my MR. At some point you have to truly choose yourself, and I am there. Also, don't worry about threadjacking me. I welcome discussion on my thread.
Jim - thanks for sharing the similarities in our sitch's. Yeh, I am leaving that dinner as a pleasant interaction and keeping the course as I have been. There is nothing to be gained from having a talk right now. I will though if there's another invite because I value my kids wellbeing over what happens with me and W. I get you about achieving a clear conscience. I definitely have that. Last time I put it all on the line, which was exactly 12 months ago, she gave me a clear 'NO'. I am not a man that is going to bring it up again. I have my dignity and value and I will not be a second option for anyone. Also appreciate the info about the separation agreement. Will look into it. Love your statement about how you said things to your W about consequences of her actions.
J9 - brotha! You got it right. There is nothing to be gained and I just have to stay the course. I just moved and I finally feel like things are settling in and I am on much stable ground. It's all looking up from here.
Davide - thanks for your kind comments. If my experience can shed some insight for anyone here, I will be eternally grateful to have had the opportunity to do so. I am definitely more grounded mentally and emotionally. I have worked very had to achieve that balance and get centered. W can't shake me no more. I am still not completely healed physically and so haven't been climbing for a good six months now. I am hoping that I can start again by the end of the year. Need to do my PT exercises more diligently and get the show on the road. It's not been great to not being able to climb or workout, but I did gain a newfound love for long walks listening to podcasts and have time for self-reflection. I aim to keep that up. Hope you are doing well and I do keep an eye on your sitch to see how things are going. Stay strong and steady.
burned - thank you for the generous praise. I credit this community almost a 100% for my recovery process and it has helped me more than my talk therapy sessions. I hope that my journey can highlight that there is a much better place coming up ahead. Just put in the work - find where you need more personal growth and tackle them head on, take accountability and ownership of your life, do things that bring you joy, and engage in self-care.
Nicole - it could be any of the reasons you mentioned or something else, I truly don't know and I don't care. I just don't give myself space for speculation and mind reading any more. I am getting on with my life and she does what she does. I will definitely get some idea of where she's at depending on how she responds to the separation agreement. I am not going to accept lukewarm attempts and dumb temp checks. As far as I can see, if she was able to be forthright about the separation and ending the marriage, she has it in her to do the same if she wants a different path to be taken. I am not going to coax it out of her. She's gotta come at me in some direct way and then we'll see. There's just no point in half measures. Life is just too short and I want to make the best of it for me and my kids at this point. If she wants to join the ride, then I need to see a lot lot lot more from her than this.
I know there's a lot of discussion here about patience and the value of standing and its nuances, and I wanted to clarify that I have not run out of patience nor do I not see the value in standing. You have to figure out your values and then make decisions based on that. My decision on moving forward with the separation agreement and then the D is based on knowing what I want from life and a partner. And what I want from a partner is not something W can offer right now. I honestly don't know if she can, even if she does therapy etc. So a part of me also feels that I cannot make her be someone she's not so that I would accept her as a partner. That's not fair to her either. She should find someone who matches her and what she wants and can give. And if she can't make those changes authentically the the recon is going to fail at some point because she won't be able to sustain the changes, or I will see through the facade and walk away.
On a different point, I am also wary of sinking more costs in a recon that may or may not work. I know that there is never a guarantee, but I simply can't put in more work with someone who abandoned me. Abandonment has been a huge theme in my life and I just don't know if I can ever get the trust back. I'd rather just take the losses the way they are and try my luck with someone else who might be a better match for me.
I will keep y'all posted for sure on new developments. Saw her again today and it was fine. Small chit chat about kids and some random stuff.
I am doing really good and looking forward to 2019. It's going to be a helluva year. Can't wait!
