Congratulations on 9 years clean. I think you are a very strong and honest person on here and i respect your posts very much. I know you have felt that you are an emotionally/committment avoidant personality. Do you find any relationship between that and your past addiction? Did the addiction contribute to that in any way or was it there to begin with and perhaps led to the addiction?
My ex was/is a secret and very high functioning alcoholic but im pretty sure also had a pain pill addiction (700 dollars a week). I am very much afraid of addiction now. For me, it would be a red flag because i am afraid of that coldness or avoidance or emptyness (hard to describe) that went with it.
And heres something weird. When i was dating, i met a guy whose demeanor reminded me of my ex. I cant put my finger on it. He was attractive, successful, strong, interesting. Hero type of profession. But something about the way he was detached. Like he was flirty. He kept the date going. But i could sense something .i knew he would be a distancer. When i asked, he admitted to having a problem with addiction in the past.
Regarding the funeral, i think dont think much about anything. Mourning a family member often makes everything else surreal. People are usually too affected by grief to really think or focus much on who is there.
What you are saying makes a lot of sense about wild girl. You suspected that going in though. I think its a good idea to keep your options open now and date! Wild girl is distancing and giving signs of fading out, so this is fine. Maybe she self sabatoges? Maybe she doeant want a relationship? Regardless it doeant matter. Her actions do. And the beat thing is to go by what works for you.
