I managed to sleup without the pills last night. I woke up at half four but that means about 5 hours straight sleep. no ceaseless tunnels wondering if he was having fun with OW. some cheerless tunnels grieving for our M.
last night I took the girls out for dinner. we had a conversation in the car about daddy. we had (pre BD) discussed my buying a new car last year and D8 asked if we were still going to do that. i said i dont know as we dont have as much money as we use to have. this opened the door for D8 to ask questions. D12 just looked out the window. D8 wanted to know if daddy was coming back and i said i dont know. D12 is often angry with the world (hormones, body changing, moving from child to teenager) and I have spoken to her about this many times so I tried to frame it that daddy is going through a similar thing. I asked D12, when she is feeling sad/angry even if she doesnt know why. who she gets angriest with and she said "mummy" and when I asked her why she said "because you are always there". . I said it was the sane for daddy before he left but he is not as angry now and, because daddy being angry made mummy sad, mummy isnt as sad anymore.
hopefully i handled this correctly. no blame. D12 knows that she cant help being angry sometimes because she is a 12 year old girl. she knows that no matter how angry key hurtful she is, and how made I might get at her for being that away, that I will always love her. i hope she knows that her anger is because she is changing and doesnt know why but that no matter how much she hates me in the moment, that deep down she loves me.
the rest of the dinner was fun but uneventful. we laughed kittle at D12s attempts to cur her steak (she still gets confused about which hand to use. we then came home and cuddled up to watch harry potter.
today in am going to get all our nails done and take the girls out for breakfast. D12 has netball and H said he might make it there but he needs to take his school buddy to the airport and doesnt know what time the flight is. so might not make it. A lie, he said the other day that his friend was flying down to visit his brother and was just staying the night with him before he went to his brothers place. no matter. Ceaseless tunnel.
I am having a birthday party tonight. so am looking forward to that.
