Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

Do you know if most of her past R lasted longer or less than where you two are? This could be a pattern for her.

Oh for certain it's a pattern. I really have to wonder if she's ever had a healthy relationship in her life. This is something I brought up here after nearly day one. Nearly everyone is/was a "buddy" or "hanging out" etc. Even the only guy I think she feels she ever loved I don't think had a traditional R with her. She is EXTREMELY independent - which is part of her appeal as she doesn't at all need a man. After KML re-brought up the whole love avoidant thing, as i re-looked at all of that, it's totally clear. As strange as it may sound, I think she pushed herself out of her comfort zone with me already. I don't know if she's scared of being hurt, dumped, intimacy, getting close, or all of the above. It's all clearly there and I knew it all along. That doesn't mean it still wasn't a lot of fun while it lasted. That's my point. But dang it gets old having to always find someone new. That was fun years ago, just not anymore. Now, all that said, part of her "pattern" I strongly believe also involves coming back. I've had other FWBs like this and something tells me she will drift back in as unexpectedly as she drifted out. I just have to either decide I can live with or cut her off.

So, to be clear, it's not Wild Girl that I miss near as much as just the whole rigmarole that upsets me. It's no different than all that you've gone through, or Ginger or any of us. That's why I pretty much had given up and really didn't try at all for several years - well didn't try much anyhow. But then you get a taste of it and it's like dang, I've been missing out - but that means both missing out on the fun as well as "missing out" (not) on the pain.

I also forgot to comment/report on the funeral for ex w's brother. I was never nervous, or worried or anything of the kind. That said, my assumptions were wrong. I assumed people would be very surprised that I was there, would be rather happy to see me and my ex would be very uncomfortable. It didn't appear I was correct on any of those! While everyone was very nice and welcoming, I didn't get the feeling they were all that surprised nor happy to see me and THEY were a little uncomfortable. Ex W on the other hand came right up to me and gave me a hug. I've not seen in or hugged her in I'm betting 8 years. The people that were there that I still see on a regular basis, including step son and daughter were their normal selves. I was very much my normal self. Of course it was a funeral so it's not like we were at a wedding or something - just was, I don't know, not what I expected. They were all friendly but almost like because it was the right thing to do? I don't know, just not what I was expecting.

As for ExW she does not seem to be aging well at all. She was walking very stiff and when i commented she said it was again her back - something she struggled with throughout our time together. She is still with the guy she had the affair on me with 13 years ago now. I don't say this to be snarky at all but she is just not aging well. If I had to guess she is really struggling with menopause. She was very puffy and just not at all the beautiful, vibrant person I knew. She always has had health issue and they may be catching up with her. Steroids can also have the effect that I saw. I didn't feel "good" about this mind you but it's not like she was the same hottie I married. Then again, we all age and she is 54. I'm just blessed with great genes and look much younger than the 55 I am.

And finally, the OLD girl actually did message me back and wants to meet for a drink or lunch next week! LOL. It's soooo funny how this happened as I was not at all trying nor am I back to OLD. We have hit it off well over email, including multiple shared interested - aviation, travel, etc. She is totally my type looks wise. I think she may be yet another of the somewhat outgoing, free-spirit, type women but who knows. I was mostly bummed and upset because I assumed by past was coming back to bight me - something I understand but now do informational talks about. Drug addition is a disease yet even someone like me, clean for 9 years, can be looked at differently. I also see she had to take out a restraining order on someone a few months ago so I'm sure she is very careful - or at least should be - and rightfully so. I told her about the cruise and she responded how jealous she is and wished she could get an offer or a deal like that. Oh girl, you have no idea... You never know what the future may bring!