Getting Back to my Old Self

[DonH]

Thanks KML - I'm having one of "those" days so it was nice to read your comments. The thing is, while my financial responsibility may appeal to you, I'm not sure you and I are the norm when it comes to this area. Something like more than half the people in America don't have enough savings to cover 6 months. I think I recently heard that near half of all millennials (or perhaps anyone????) could not last a month without income??? So while I and perhaps you could last double digit years, most can't and worse yet, many simply don't care. Sad but true. So you find that trait in me to be a good catch, I'm not sure other do - or by reality, they clearly don't.

So I finally talked with wild girl last night. Seemed to pretty much be the same person she's always been yet her actions just seem different. This cuts both ways, she's always been very clear, we are just hanging out, not my girlfriend, I'm not her boyfriend, rarely like to admit we were dating. That's never changed from pretty much day one but her actions were to call all the time, text, send pictures. None of that has happened in the last near month now. She's clearly struggling with something - I can just tell by the way she talked. Still, we might get together this Sunday otherwise for sure talk more as she had just gotten off over 12 hours at work and I was tired as well since it was past 11 when we finally connected. And like in past times, she ended up texting me after we hung up. I really don't get it and it's just taking or taken much of the fun out of it. I know it could come back but now I'm the one losing ambition to reach out. Why is this so hard?

I made a comment on Jospeh's thread about my totally inadvertent return to OLD - well not return per say but quick drive by. I kept getting these emails that I'd just delete all the time. They didn't come all that often but enough that I finally tended to them and sure enough I still had a couple of profiles that while not truly "active" where still out there. As I was deleting or trying to figure out how to, I got a quick message from someone. Of course when you are least looking... LOL, That somehow turned into a lot of lengthy emails with both of us sharing a lot. She seems like very much my type - which often means a broken train wreck - but, like with Wild Girl, it has been fun. Amazing how it was very easy to find her online and I now fear she may have found me as well - which can scare some people off due to something I have in my past from 9 years ago. I'm very open about it but I understand how it can be scary if someone happens upon it and it's not something I bring up that early on. I don't know for sure that she found it but poof, I've heard zero now for a day and a half - compared to her responding back in hours if not minutes.

Do i really care, no, not all that much in specifics. But in general, this all just gets so darn old. I've always been very pessimistic about finding something again and I swear it really is starting to seem like a needle in a haystack. It's almost like I have to decide, do I want to live a pretty happy life with not a lot of down side but do it by myself or get that bit of extra upside followed by drama, depression, anxiety, etc. There is a reason I've been single so long and this is it. Yet it's not deep down how I want to live my life - safe all the time. But this is no fun either.

I know I'm just in a one or two day funk here and I'll pop back up but darn it anyhow, this was such a fun summer and I really want that back - not just in terms of Wild Girl but in terms of all of it. Guess God and life has other plans at the moment.