Thank you Kiwi. I have a couple of things organized for next week that I'm looking forward to and will help keep me on track so I am working hard. I am doing a lot of journaling and focusing on my PMA. As long as I stay present and future focused I'm okay. I still find the nights a bit tough sometimes even though I am really used to my H not being around at night. Sometimes my mind will drift into the past a bit and there is this anger that comes out of nowhere. Even though I am glad I am no longer living a lie and I am happier with myself than I have been in a long time.. still the anger is there. Not sure what I am supposed to do with it sometimes. Swallowing it doesn't seem all that healthy nor does using it to confront my H. I know he knows what he did was wrong. I know he has a lot of shame around it. I know that his shame is the greatest when he is in my company which is why he runs from me/it. I can't imagine what that is like... to lie to everyone who cares about you for so long. I don't pity him... he got himself into this mess... but there is a big part of me that still wants to take care of him. That is so crazy to me...lol.
I talked with him a couple days ago about what to tell his daughter who is 18. I have been her stepmom for 11 years and the parent she has always turned to when she is upset or needing help. Her dad she has always been wary of (they did not meet until she was 7 so she had some preconceived notions about him - long story) and her mom overreacts and makes everything about her. Since our family trip to Mexico in January, however, if I'm not able to pick up the phone, she calls her dad for support. I have worked so hard for the past decade paving the way for that and running interference, etc... It was very taxing on me emotionally... but it is finally paying off. Anyway... I know that if I told her the whole truth about what her dad has been doing and for how long, that would be a huge step backward in their relationship. It would serve him right... but she does not deserve that and they have such a positive relationship now. I could in no way justify telling her. So... we agreed that we would keep the info limited to what is happening now. He texted me yesterday that he had had a good conversation with her and that she was calling him again at the end of the day. I texted back that I was very pleased for both of them. And then, to my surprise, he texted me back "I owe it all to you." That's the closest I've ever gotten to an unsolicited thank-you. It felt good.
So... the story continues. I know there will still be lots of ups and downs and there will be days I don't feel quite as good as I did on Wednesday but I am committed and I keep reminding myself over and over that I am not missing anything or anyone that was REAL... just a fantasy really. When I keep that foremost in my brain, I do really well.
