I’m leaving the house and WAW calls, I don’t answer
OK, so many LBS's that come here listen to all the advice about detaching, pulling back, giving the WAS time and space and INSTANTLY think that means don't ever answer the phone, don't reply to texts and blow them off at every opportunity. That is NOT what Michele means. She simply means quit pursuing. If SHE calls then answer. If SHE texts then answer. Don't initiate yourself, that's all. Also don't get into long convos, just address the business she's contacting you about and let her go. If you just completely shut down on her then guess what she thinks, you are being a cold, indifferent, uncaring jerk.
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She was touching base regarding schedule for the night and asked if she could go to the gym. I advised her that I planned on going to the gym after the kids were in bed but I would be happy to get my son from piano, get the kids fed and would see her at their bedtime to put the kids to bed together then I would head to the gym.
It doesn't sound like you made it clear to her that you expected her to work out and be home by a certain time.
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Needless to say the whole thing was trap but I didn’t fall for it, accomplishment #2.
A trap?? How so? She simply asked if she could go to the gym, sounds like she was being respectful of your time by asking instead of just going. You may have heard that saying "to a man with a hammer everything looks like a nail". Well to an LBS everything looks like a conspiracy orchestrated by the WAS. LBS's can be very, very paranoid. That's a byproduct of BD, but try not to be.
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8:45 rolls around, I have now done everything by myself to get the kids to their activities, get them dinner and get them to bed. Plus I now don’t have time to get the gym and get in a proper workout since hey close at 10. WAW comes home and asks me if I am going to the gym and I confidently, without any yelling or any of my typical angry miserable previous reactions calmly stated “ I’m looking at the clock and it is now 8:50. At 5:40 you called me and we discussed the schedule for the evening and the plan was you were going to the gym, we would both put he kids to bed at 8:00 and then I could go to the gym.
Do you know what a "covert contract" is? Google it if you're not familiar with it. It's also discussed at length in No More Mister Nice Guy. It sounds like that's what you had in place. You never asked her what time she was going and she never offered a time (at least not that you mentioned). Here's the deal, an "agreement" is an "offer" and an "acceptance". It would go something like this:
W- Can I go to the gym tonight? You- I plan on having the kids in bed by 8:30 and was going to head to the gym after that, can you get your workout in before then and be home so that I can go after? W- Yes that works for me.
That is an offer from you, and an acceptance from her. Now when you have an "agreement" and she doesn't meet the terms, THEN you have a right to be upset or angry. But it doesn't sound like you had an agreement, you just made some ambiguous statements that developed into a covert contract. Be very, very careful of covert contracts, it's a form of control and manipulation. Punishing someone for a covert contract that they know nothing about just causes anger, resentment and confusion.
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It is now three hours later and I don’t have time because they are closed soon. I feel angry, disrespected, undervalued and above all genuinely disappointed. I need you to understand that my time is valuable and I deserve basic courtesy from you regardless of being separated”. Then I turned around, put on my runners and went for a hour long jog.
So you got a workout in after all. So why all the negative comments to her? Could you not have just said "it's too late for me to get to the gym before they close, I'm going for a run instead. Next time I'll try to communicate better, sounds like we had a misunderstanding about what time you needed to be home."
KEEP THE WAY HOME PAVED AND SMOOTH. What does that mean? It means don't drag them down the road (pursuit) but it means don't be cold and indifferent either. You can't MAKE her come back to the M, but you can make it EASIER for her to come back. OK?
Just a little more on texting- the idea is to not be immediately available all the time. The point is to make her think you're getting a life. The method is to sometimes reply right away, sometimes later, and sometimes (if it's nothing important) not at all. BUT, here's the thing. If she knows where you are, it doesn't make you mysterious. IE, if she knows you're at piano lessons and texts you and you don't reply she's not going to think "wow, what is he doing, he's so mysterious now!" So it works best when you are off GAL'ing and she doesn't know where you are or what you are doing. Don't just leave, but for example you might say "hey I have plans Thursday night from 8 to 11, do you mind watching the kids?" And then go meet friends or whatever, and if she texts then don't reply right away. See the difference?
