I imagine your D is more hurt over your W abandoning her then she is the A itself. I mean reducing their communication to texting is W inadvertently telling her "I don't even care enough about you to try to talk to you face-to-face." My ex left me and had an OM, but the difference is both of us sat down with the kids and explained to them that while our M was in trouble, we both still loved them very much and would both continue to support them as parents no matter what. We were united for the kids even through an affair, separation and D. The kids were definitely depressed and frustrated about us breaking up, but I don't think they ever felt anger or resentment towards either of us.
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thanks for showing interest on my sitch AS.
what you just said makes a lot more sense. it’s more of an abandonment issue for d14. they haven’t spoke to each other for months now, and all she gets is a text message. WW spends more time being with POS than fixing her R with D14. and this is why, D14 is having a hard time to give WW a chance because in the end, she’s going to leave her.
the way WW told her A to D14, she bluntly said, that she loves POS and me and her are through. so D14 asks her if she can break it up, to which WW replies ,”but am going to miss him”. but here’s the kicker, she asked D14 not to get angry at her to which D14 replied by storming away and telling me that “she can’t tell me how to feel. she doesn’t control my feelings”.
[quote] As hard as this may sound, you need to do everything in your power to encourage D to accept the olive branch from W and try to help her understand that W is going through difficult times as well. You probably think your W "deserves" all of this and maybe she does, but D doesn't and she is the one that is really being hurt.[\quote]
if i think WW deserves all this treatment, i wouldn’t even waste our time in sending D14 to her IC. i would just end it there, and to hell with it, WW doesn’t deserve to have an R with WW, but am not. i could even take D14 at a friends house to spend the night when i work, but i did not. am trying to give WW a chance to mend the R with D14. but she won’t even give an extra effort, as what you’ve said, text messages, really?! i am so lost in how to fix it. D14’s IC has suggested to WW that she needs to not give up. i would love to help. but since i went dark/NC with WW, i don’t know how to approach her without appearing that am begging or pursuing. hence am on this site to seek help.
i love D14 so much, that i really want her to come out a better person with this sitch. she shouldn’t have been involved, but then a t he same time the minute WW asked her to lie, that was it. My IC also told me that D14 not having and R with WW will eventually hurt her in the future, which i really don’t want to happen.
[quote]Maybe, maybe not. You really don't know and that is mind-reading. You should do everything you can to encourage them to communicate and not assume you already know the outcome. It will be tough for them at first but eventually they will make peace.[quote]
^^^ this is where i eventually get lost. how do i initiate this, without looking like am begging or pursuing WW. i know it’s about my D14, but am really lost.
[quote=Steve85] My D15 and I used to be really close. We hunted together, she'd go up to the property with me and work on the property, she was a camo-wearing, tomboy that wanted to be just like daddy. In the last year she has turned. It is as if she can't stand me. Wants nothing to do with the activities above. It hurts so bad. It hurts so much worse than when I almost lost my W.
Sorry to hear that Steve, but please don't blame yourself. Most girls go through this around her age, both of my D's did as well. In general girls tend to draw close to their dads when they are young and then flip to being closer to their moms in their mid-teens. It's a natural transition that is part of them growing up.
not much going on. D14 and i just watching a “scary” movie. she’s very anxious about having dinner with WW tonight, as recommended by D14’s IC. the other thing is, she drives her to school one day/week. i would love WW to these things more often but, D14 is really firm on not wanting to do anything with her. D14 sits at the back of the car with earbuds on. during dinner, she eats for 5 minutes and asks to be excused, then onto her room. D14’s IC asked WW to keep on trying even though she feels rejected (i know that feeling). that way D14 sees that WW isn’t going anywhere. really hoping D14 turns around.
Wow, that really hits home. That is how my D15 behaves with me.
sorry about that steve. this has been going on for quite sometime now and i just can’t imagine what WW is feeling. D14 and I still live in MH. when i don’t hear from her or don’t see her when we’re both home, it drives me crazy. i knock on her door and bug the heck out of her. meanwhile, when WW stays the night, D14 just stays in her room, while WW doesn’t even try to initiate any form of communication. i think it still boils down, to whose the adult.
Is it possible that our children our somehow angry with us, as they feel that we are somewhat responsible for "allowing" our spouse to be WS?(your sitch seems different TN) my S and i are close and have a good R, but i sense that he may hold some of my W's actions against me. Just thinking out loud.
Together:20 years M:3 years Me:40 WW:40 S15 A suspected:5/17 AC:5/18 BD:8/18 WW in full blown R w/ OM Still under same roof
but here’s the kicker, she asked D14 not to get angry at her to which D14 replied by storming away and telling me that “she can’t tell me how to feel. she doesn’t control my feelings”.
Classic example of a time when your W should have been offering empathy and validation to your D instead of telling her she can't feel a certain way.
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^^^ this is where i eventually get lost. how do i initiate this, without looking like am begging or pursuing WW. i know it’s about my D14, but am really lost.
I can certainly see where you are coming from there. I wasn't so much saying to proactively do something, but rather in DB parlance "keep the way home paved and smooth." Except in this case "home" is your W and "the way" is the path between D and W. So don't ever disparage your W in front of D even though it may be very tempting. If D says bad things about W, then listen and validate. Tell her you understand why she feels like she does, but that you think W is going through some difficult struggles and not intentionally pushing D away, but her actions make it feel that way. Tell her that you and W both love her very much despite the difficulties you and W are having and that you can see it's hurting W very much to not have an R with daughter.
^^I hope that gives you an idea of what I meant. I went through this with my kids, they didn't alienate my ex like your D has done to your W, but there were some bad feelings there. When the kids would say something bad about W and OM it was VERY tempting to agree and turn it into a bitch-fest about W. But when they went there I bit my tongue, validated, and told them I know it's tough but their mom loves them very much and that's really what matters.
Is it possible that our children our somehow angry with us, as they feel that we are somewhat responsible for "allowing" our spouse to be WS?(your sitch seems different TN) my S and i are close and have a good R, but i sense that he may hold some of my W's actions against me. Just thinking out loud.
hey e, everyday i ask her if she is angry, she says “no, you’re here with me, you didn’t leave, you stayed”. i told her if she feels any different, let me know. now i’m thinking the same way you are!
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Classic example of a time when your W should have been offering empathy and validation to your D instead of telling her she can't feel a certain
I can certainly see where you are coming from there. I wasn't so much saying to proactively do something, but rather in DB parlance "keep the way home paved and smooth." Except in this case "home" is your W and "the way" is the path between D and W. So don't ever disparage your W in front of D even though it may be very tempting. If D says bad things about W, then listen and validate. Tell her you understand why she feels like she does, but that you think W is going through some difficult struggles and not intentionally pushing D away, but her actions make it feel that way. Tell her that you and W both love her very much despite the difficulties you and W are having and that you can see it's hurting W very much to not have an R with daughter.
^^I hope that gives you an idea of what I meant. I went through this with my kids, they didn't alienate my ex like your D has done to your W, but there were some bad feelings there. When the kids would say something bad about W and OM it was VERY tempting to agree and turn it into a bitch-fest about W. But when they went there I bit my tongue, validated, and told them I know it's tough but their mom loves them very much and that's really what matters.
thanks for the input AS.
i tell her everyday, that she needs to have an R with mom. if she has angry thoughts, j validate and tell her that she needs to tell her IC those things. AS, what your suggesting are the same things that my IC tells me to do and say. IC also hammers in the importance of the R between the two of them and if such doesn’t exist, it will be detrimental to D14 in the near future.
D is 14y/o, she understands what am telling her, but if she sees it differently, as in WW’s current state of mind and behavior, then all explanations is all for naught. again, D14 is a witness to WW’s waywardness, WW even asked her to lie for her to me, which is why D14 still thinks he contributed to me and WW’s sitch right now.
i can keep on telling her and texting D14 that WW still loves her very much and cares about her, but at the end of the day, actions still speak louder than words.
You are between a rock and a hard place here T. Teens of that age are natural rebel entities. Remember when we had that age. It seems your D’s rebelliousness is focused on W...then you have W’s rebelliousness...
Just be there for your D14. Don’t pressure her too much about having a R with her mother now. Let time calm the waters.
You need to be the lighthouse T. Be proud of that. Sure your D is seeing your light. If anyone else sees it it’s not your matter any more.
You are between a rock and a hard place here T. Teens of that age are natural rebel entities. Remember when we had that age. It seems your D’s rebelliousness is focused on W...then you have W’s rebelliousness...
Just be there for your D14. Don’t pressure her too much about having a R with her mother now. Let time calm the waters.
You need to be the lighthouse T. Be proud of that. Sure your D is seeing your light. If anyone else sees it it’s not your matter any more.
Keep shining T
thanks nef and more power to you as well.
Looking through D14’s eyes, i can see that she’s giving up hope that WW would be able to see the lighthouse. everyday i ask her if WW has texted her, the answer is always “what do you think?”. but i always encourage her that it will be better, we will both come out of this sitch better people.
i can put a handle on her rebelling,i would be lost, is if she starts to do something like harming herself. god forbid she doesn’t go that far, hence the IC really helps her out.
You are taking good care of her T. My best wishes for you and D14. Sure you both are making the father-daughter link stronger.
The relation with my S was the main fact that made me stay in my MR...he was 11 when I left home. I spent a month away. He stood at the window of his bedroom looking outside waiting for me the whole month...
I sailed the misty seas of infidelity. Fortunately I saw the light of my W...I’m home now.
