Is it possible that our children our somehow angry with us, as they feel that we are somewhat responsible for "allowing" our spouse to be WS?(your sitch seems different TN) my S and i are close and have a good R, but i sense that he may hold some of my W's actions against me. Just thinking out loud.
hey e, everyday i ask her if she is angry, she says “no, you’re here with me, you didn’t leave, you stayed”. i told her if she feels any different, let me know. now i’m thinking the same way you are!
Originally Posted by AnotherStander
Classic example of a time when your W should have been offering empathy and validation to your D instead of telling her she can't feel a certain
I can certainly see where you are coming from there. I wasn't so much saying to proactively do something, but rather in DB parlance "keep the way home paved and smooth." Except in this case "home" is your W and "the way" is the path between D and W. So don't ever disparage your W in front of D even though it may be very tempting. If D says bad things about W, then listen and validate. Tell her you understand why she feels like she does, but that you think W is going through some difficult struggles and not intentionally pushing D away, but her actions make it feel that way. Tell her that you and W both love her very much despite the difficulties you and W are having and that you can see it's hurting W very much to not have an R with daughter.
^^I hope that gives you an idea of what I meant. I went through this with my kids, they didn't alienate my ex like your D has done to your W, but there were some bad feelings there. When the kids would say something bad about W and OM it was VERY tempting to agree and turn it into a bitch-fest about W. But when they went there I bit my tongue, validated, and told them I know it's tough but their mom loves them very much and that's really what matters.
thanks for the input AS.
i tell her everyday, that she needs to have an R with mom. if she has angry thoughts, j validate and tell her that she needs to tell her IC those things. AS, what your suggesting are the same things that my IC tells me to do and say. IC also hammers in the importance of the R between the two of them and if such doesn’t exist, it will be detrimental to D14 in the near future.
D is 14y/o, she understands what am telling her, but if she sees it differently, as in WW’s current state of mind and behavior, then all explanations is all for naught. again, D14 is a witness to WW’s waywardness, WW even asked her to lie for her to me, which is why D14 still thinks he contributed to me and WW’s sitch right now.
i can keep on telling her and texting D14 that WW still loves her very much and cares about her, but at the end of the day, actions still speak louder than words.
