Obviously in the meantime, I've expressed that now that I've calmed down after the initial emotional and high anxiety reaction that I believe we can work through this with help from IC, MC, etc.
STOP THAT. Did you read the comments from Steve and LH? They are spot-on. NO R TALKS AT ALL.
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She has been essentially unresponsive of her feelings and emotions thus far (as I've posted above) except a week and half ago when she admitted that she still was leaning towards ending things.
Yup and every time you push to talk about it she will just be more resolute that D is the only answer. You've got to pull back and give her time and space.
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I'm TRYING not to focus on her continued efforts to get a new job as a sign that this is over but it's very hard
LH said it but I will say it again- this isn't a game of days or weeks. It's many months or even a year or more. She is going to be 100% done for a long, long time. She might change her mind later, but please understand when we all say this is a marathon, we say that because it IS. There's no magic pill that's going to put everything back to normal so please try and quit looking at it like that. She is two feet out the door. You can't reel her back in, you've got to let her go before she might think about coming back. And when I say "let her go" I mean LET HER DECIDE. If she wants to leave then don't stop her, but it's HER choice. Don't kick her out. Same with the bed, she doesn't want to sleep there? That's fine it's her choice. But you sleep there whether she does or not. Don't let her browbeat you into giving up the bed or home or whatever, but don't push her to make choices either. You've got to "open the cage door".
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Originally we agreed to share custody 50/50 and basically alternate 2 days with her, 2 days with me, then Fri-Sun with her and vice a versa after that.
My brother had a similar split with his ex and hated it. The kids were constantly on the move and basically living out of backpacks. There was a lot of confusion over when the handoffs were and difficulties coordinating homework and projects. My ex and I did an every other week arrangement. Personally I think it's the way to go. You can do a leisurely handoff each Sunday and discuss upcoming homework and projects during the handoff. I have to travel for work and it's easy to schedule my travel for my off weeks. It's just a lot more convenient, especially if your W moves and isn't nearby. Something to think about.
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So my question is, if she ends up sticking to her guns and not wanting to try to work this out, do I let her know that I think the arrangement we sort of pre-agreed to is garbage because of all of the shuffling it is going to do to the kids?
Don't tell her it's garbage, but tell her you'd like to discuss it and then explain to her why you feel like it's going to be very inconvenient for both of you as well as for the kids. If she feels like she can't go a week without seeing them then offer for each of you to have an optional evening anytime during the week to pick up the kids and have dinner with them. This was written into our D agreement although as it turned out we both saw our kids so much at sports events and such on our off weeks that we didn't need it.
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#2 maybe if she realizes the effect this will have on the kids and the fact that due to her past actions I've got a pretty good chance at getting full custody, if it comes down to a fight, maybe that will be enough to open her eyes and think twice about being full steam ahead for a D.
Remember what Steve said about pink flamingos? Your W is living in a fantasy land right now where she thinks everything is going to work out perfectly for her. Any attempt you make to "explain" to her how it won't is just going to anger her and make her think you are controlling and manipulative. If she wants 50-50 custody and you go for full then prepare for a long, drawn-out, expensive court battle because I can't imagine she'd ever agree to you having full custody based on your comment that the kids have always come first. And besides, why would you want to deprive your kids of time with their mom? If she's a great mom then they deserve time with her.
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I don't want her to come back just for the kids. That sounds miserable for everyone, but if that's enough to give her a nudge in the right direction, I think we can get the help we honestly need to make our relationship grow and end up being better by working with IC, MC and doing a retrouvaille sort of workshop on proper and healthy communications in a marriage.
Am I on to something or on something :-)?!
No you are in denial. I'm sorry, but you really do not have a grasp on what you are up against when dealing with a WAS and you need to learn that or you will keep doing the wrong things. DO NOT TRY TO USE THE KIDS AGAINST HER. Not only will it appear to her as control and manipulation, it IS control and manipulation. Please understand any attempts you make to control her are going to blow up in your face in huge ways. Don't do it. Pull back. Get a life. Give her time and space. Let HER make her choices.
