I'm not saying there isn't room for personal growth for each of you. When you started posting about your stitch, she sounded very spoiled/pampered by her nice guy H, and maybe her parents. If that's the case, it makes things more difficult for you, IMHO. Mixing NGS with a pampered WW.......well, I think you've experienced some of those results. It can be very challenging to set things aright. Not impossible, but challenging. The most effective work you can do currently, is to change yourself from being Mr. Nice Guy. Recognizing it is a first step, but you can't use it like a handy excuse. Know what I mean? Go beyond just recognizing that you have NGS, and start working to change.
I can't help but think that your W is lacking in general areas, as well as relational, due to her poor mental health. If she would cooperate with a good psychologist, her mindset might improve considerable. (I'm not talking about one of these types that encourage her to engage in a wayward lifestyle). Sometimes, people just need guidance in learning how to think and address life in a healthier way. IDK, but there are times that she sounds messed up...….like she's been influenced by some wacky book or something. She may, also, be experiencing an imbalance of hormones......which would not help the situation.
You know, most of us grow up hearing how you have to compromise in a marriage relationship. We are even told how much (50%) we should compromise...…. but we aren't told what to compromise. This could be dangerous for a NGH, like yourself. IMHO, NGH's are all about compromising and appeasing, hoping to get along with his W. At some point in their relationship, he loses sight of himself as the man, and his NG ways give way to his W (who doesn't like his NGS). I believe as healthy minded women (not wayward minded), we prefer that our men stand up for what's right...….rather than meet half way for what is wrong. Don't let your vision become cloudy, by compromising your integrity, values,. and the M itself, just in order to be with your WW. If you do, then at the end of the day you have to live with whatever you helped form out of a need that may not be healthy or wise. I would think it's like selling a little bit of your soul, but that's just me.
Your WW has already compromised some things that she shouldn't have......and now she's messed up. Rather than follow her into a further mess, you need to be like the lighthouse. Lighthouses don't follow. They stand on a solid foundation and send out a beam of light. Lighthouses don't pursue the sailor lost in the storm, it just continues to give that beam of light for the sailor to follow safely ashore. Your W is in a stormy sea, and if you go into those waters, you both will probably go under. When dealing with a wayward W, a H who is all about trying to convince her to give the M another chance, or make changes he thinks will woo her back...…..is actually compromising with her waywardness. That's why it's unsuccessful. It's the NGH's same old attempts to appease, rather than actually changing how his inner man thinks.
Ultimately, I don't think you will save your M by continuing in this spasmodic on again-off again pattern. It deceives you into thinking you're slowing mending things. Until she gets professional help with her extreme "anxiety" issues, you will be used like a rubber ball. You'll just bounce all over the place, never knowing where you'll land. You need to really take your NGS seriously, and learn how & what to change. You don't your thinking to be as screwy as hers. So, please distant yourself from her drama and focus on reinventing your inner man. ((hugs))
It is not about what you feel should work in your M. It is about doing the work that gets the right results. Do what works!
