So the last couple of days have been really good. My mindset has totally shifted from where it was a week ago which is why I think I am in a good place right now. I’m not sure exactly when the shift occurred… maybe in my sleep…lol??? Anyway, I woke up Tuesday morning, for the first time thinking about me and what it is I want. I don’t know if you would call it an epiphany but it feels a bit like that is what it was. I think I just came to terms with the fact that all of the panic and grief I have been going through has been over the loss of a relationship and a life that I THOUGHT I had or WANTED to have and not what I ACTUALLY had. Up until this point, I had been working on my PMA, GAL, and doing 180s on some of my habitual ways of interacting with my H. But… in the back of my mind, I was still doing these things with the hope that it would bring him back...that there was a definite outcome I had in mind.
I had the day off on Tuesday and I went to get my hair done. Looking in the mirror for that long forced me to make an assessment of myself. The truth is, I’ve been feeling really good lately. The weight loss (started a while ago but has been escalated by the stress of all this), my PMA and my GAL activities have helped me to remember that I was a really strong and capable person when I met my H…much stronger and more capable than him, IMO. So it dawned on me that I had a good life before him and I can have a good life after him…if it comes to that. I started to really think about what it is I want in a relationship and what it is I deserve and the truth is, I haven’t done that in a long time. It's always been...what does H want? What does H need? So in that moment, I made up my mind… and I thought about it for the rest of that day and all day yesterday. I made up my mind that I’m not going to accept less than what I deserve anymore and I wanted him to know that. So…before I could lose my nerve and before I could have second thoughts, I texted my H on Tuesday night that I wanted to talk to him after work on Wednesday before I left for my girls’ night out. And this is what happened…
H showed up at our house while I was in the bathroom putting on makeup. He came right in and stood there looking at me expectantly… maybe a tad worried looking, not sure. I almost backed out because I knew I needed to leave in about 45 minutes to pick up my friend and I wasn't sure how long I would need to say what I needed to say. But… I could see that he was ready to talk and we hadn’t really talked in over a week so I took a deep breath and I talked…
I told him that some things had changed for me - that I was starting to feel good again and getting in touch with who I used to be and who it is I want to become. [He said… “I know. I’ve noticed.”… he said that about five times throughout our conversation.] I then told him, “I do not want you to come home.” I kinda left it for a few seconds for maximum impact and it worked cause I could see him flinch a bit and look confused. Kinda cruel of me but I really wanted him to feel it. Anyway… I qualified my statement by telling him that I absolutely want to be married and raise our kids with a partner and that I wanted that partner to be him BUT that I do not want my old marriage back. That marriage was and is unacceptable to me. I then listed my expectations of a partner… 100% there, a full-time dad to our kids, someone who will appreciate the best things in me and forgive the worst, someone who will TELL ME when he is upset so that we can talk and work things through, etc… I told him that I think he has it in him to be that person but he is clearly not there right now. I also told him that I feel like I don’t know him anymore and I don’t think he knows me… at least not this new and improved version of me. He agreed.
I said I had been thinking a lot about what needs to happen before he can come home. I told him that I don’t want him to move back and into the basement. When he comes back, it will be because he is 100% committed to staying...with me. In order for us to get there, a couple of things need to happen. First, as crazy as it sounds, I would like us to date. I said, "I want you to pick me up, take me out (dinner, or an activity), for us to have conversations that aren’t heavy, drop me off at my house and kiss me goodnight…or not… basically I just want us to go out, have some fun and try to remember what it is that brought us together in the first place… before we had our kids and all of life’s stressors descended upon us. Secondly, if/when we decide that a move home might be in the cards, I would like us to go to MC. And I would like to go to a pro-marriage counsellor… not some guy who’s been divorced a couple of times and secretly thinks that all women are controlling [which is the vibe I got from the guy we saw four year ago]." Anyway… that is the gist of what was said. There were a few tears [his] and I saw glimpses of the shame and regret my H has been living with. I fully believe now that there is no OW. He has maintained that from the start and has never gotten defensive when I have accused him… always willing to talk… has repeatedly said that that is not what this is about and he is just really lost right now.
At the end of our conversation which was incredibly calm, respectful and validating… he said, “OKAY”. Next week is looking like a really stressful week for him work-wise but he said that, after that, we will see about going out on a date. Do you know that the absolute best thing about that is??? If a couple of weeks go by and we don’t go out on that date, I am okay with it. There is no time frame on this. I am not in a rush. He understands and accepts my terms. I am just going to keep GAL and leave myself open to what is to come.
I also told him that the days I had allotted for him to spend time with our kids is the MINIMUM amount of time he needs to be here. I told him if he wants to come by on a weekday or on a Saturday and we are here, he is welcome. He looked relieved and thanked me. Said he had been trying to be respectful of my space and was happy that he could see them more.
Oh… and my H finally talked to his daughter. He told her that we were “on a break” and that he is “temporarily renting a place to sort myself [himself] out.” I feel good about him using the word “temporarily”. So that is the most recent chapter of the drama that is my life. I really wrestled with the idea of having a “talk” with him and possibly putting more pressure on him. But I actually think it did the opposite in that it enabled me to take back some of my power which is very freeing mentally. It also made it clear to him that I am okay on my own. In fact, I actually told him that I am grateful that all of this happened because, regardless, I think I am going to be a better person for it and I think he will be too. And I honestly really believe that which is why I find myself in a very unexpected place right now. NO FEAR and moving forward.
