Introduction

[TJT]

Thanks Steve!!

I am guilty - haven't finished book. That is next priority on my list. As I said, I took a bit of a "break" from everything DB to try and keep myself sane as I dealt with the initial shock.

I definitely knew contacting OW wouldn't stop him from doing anything from her. Even though I know I said it would be a good idea if she stayed out of it, I actually honestly didn't expect that. For me, it was more just to let her know I knew, and just in case he was telling her anything different about our sitch (like claiming we're in the middle of divorce when he hasn't filed, for instance..). I know it doesn't change her or him or anything, that's one thing I'm very clear on.

I think the remorse part is coming in because yeah, I absolutely want validation from him that our relationship was something he values and that whatever he's doing was a mistake due to whatever he's dealing with personally. There's been a ton of investment in this for me to where just because something is broken doesn't mean I wouldn't want to try to work on it.

Please note, this does NOT mean he would just be able to come walking back in and everything would be back to normal as long as he gives a good "excuse". As much as I want him back, I would absolutely require him to take good, hard look at what we need to work on both individually and together, and it would be a LOT of work to rebuild trust and connection and all of that. But ultimately, if he wanted to do it and shared authentically what may have led him to do this to begin with (being depressed or MLC issues or whatever it is, which I do really think is part of the issue here), I would like to think of myself as a truly committed and supportive wife rather than someone who would just say "great, I forgive you but I'm not going to be committed to you anymore." Unless in all cases like this it's never truly just a "mistake" and we should all give up as soon as these things happen? I get part of your point but not all here, and I want to be sure to emphasize that it would not just be "I'm sorry" to make things right again.

I did check the auto insurance, twice. They keep telling me they can separate the accounts and billing but because we're still married, my name would still be attached to his. Meaning if he doesn't pay, it could still impact my credit or I could be held responsible. I thought this was weird too but that's what they told me, twice. Not sure if it has to do with state laws (TX is a community property state). But I'd rather make sure it's getting paid if that's the case.

In terms of the cake eating, I did think about that but he was still acting like this before he knew he wouldn't be dropped from insurance. Also, this is where my therapist comes into play because I told her I didn't want to get upset at him leaving and I felt stupid about how I was acting, but she essentially told me that as long as I don't have an expectation that it will change anything, not to be hard on myself because it's just my way of saying goodbye or whatever. That did make me feel better about it but I see how that's more moving towards acceptance of the status quo rather than trying to DB. Mentally that's just a hard balance to keep.

Ever since him moving out though, I feel I've been doing pretty good GALing and not falling back to try to engage with him on anything, except for those very intermittent, practical things like asking if he'll give me his portion of money for the insurance.

For his prior divorce, I do remember him telling me about it as we were initially getting together, and I did look up the records to confirm it was in process. We also had worked together at one point and other coworkers did corroborate his characterization of the ex and the issues they had (her being bipolar or something like that). But in any case, there was a time when we were "seeing" each other (it was not hot and heavy like it seems to be with his gal pal now because I guess I have a bit more dignity) where his prior divorce was not final. That being said, it just occurred to me this morning that actually there did seem to be another person he was with before me, after separating from his wife but I presume before the filing occurred giving the timeline...so yeah.

I'm totally on board with this probably being his default behavior and cycle... which does make me feel really stupid and duped for the past 10 years but it's just so hard to understand how you can feel like you have a "normal" relationship for that period of time just for someone to pull the rug out one day and show you that actually no, it wasn't anything different. My ability to trust other people, because of my apparent lack of ability to see whatever signs I missed here, or I guess perhaps the lack of impact my commitment has despite the signs, is a huge struggle.

I think I'm just trying to protect myself from being too traumatized by the realization that someone I think is a good person deep down may really not be, and that there's a more logical explanation. I don't want this to taint my view of the world forever and it has really scared me, to be honest! I feel like even after all this is done, I won't want to ever date again, and I know that's kind of common but it's the strangest, most vulnerable feeling.

I'll try again with the insurance and open enrollment has come for us but that's another thing that I'm pretty sure when I called earlier I was told I could not do without a decree or without some other proof that he has alternate insurance. I believe this is related to laws to prevent people from "surprising" someone else and suddenly dropping them without legal reason. But will do everything I can to confirm because I do agree and want to get that sorted!

Aside from those items... do I then just continue with no contact and GALing.... until (if/when) it seems either it's working, or that that's not working and has gone on too long that I decide fully that I do want the divorce? Is that pretty much the fork in the road that everyone comes to at this point?

Re: the teflon comment - trust me, I had envisioned all of the things I would do if I ever were put in a situation like this, before it happened. It's really weird how in the moment it's different, based on the shock and hurt and questions you have and everything else. Like I said, it's a lot of trying to make sense of a situation that I do know I may never get answers to or fully understand. But I am trying not to be hard on myself for not reacting "correctly" because man is it the worst, most confusing feeling, and given the other lies that happened leading up to it I just felt like I was in the matrix for a while. However, I do understand the logic of how to react now, and will be doing my best to follow that path (and finish the book..)