I just read Orange's thread, I can see his struggle. When I read other peoples posts I wonder if thats how I sound. Hanging on my H every text, every word. When seeing others do it, I see how unnecessary it is and how much it just spins us LBS out of control. And I still do it. I still try to dissect every word in every text, what does he mean by this, why is he saying that, hes doing it because of this reason or that reason. When really, it all could mean absolutely nothing.
On Monday my H texted me after work that he is no longer going out of town next weekend. I didnt respond, as it was an informational text. 2 hours later he texted me, "hello??"..and I remember thinking, oh thats weird. He never texts stuff like that when I dont respond. Something as simple as a text saying "hello??" somehow got my hopes up in a weird way, like OH, hes thinking about me, he wants a response from me. When really, he could have just wanted to make sure I got the text and knew he would be around to see D.
I see the importance in detaching, because every word, every statement, every text, should NOT turn us LBS into a tail spin. It should not ignite a weird sense of hope, nor should it ignite a strong sense sadness. It should do nothing. And I am hopeful that one day I will get there. I struggle most (obviously) with the OW aspect of it. My H right now is not a man I would want to be with, so if we were separated and he was not seeing someone, I think I would be striving truthfully. I wish he would have allowed himself to FEEL this instead of filling the void with someone else. I wish he had actually had to feel the loss a little bit, but instead he covered it with a bandaid, and seems to really like what he has found in that bandaid. But that doesnt change the fact that this man is NOT someone I would be happy with right now. He has changed.
I thought this morning about how my H promised my dad on his death bed that he would always take care me. He asked for my hand in marriage from my dad when my dad battled cancer, 3 years prior to ever popping the question. We were such a team, cut from different cloths yes, but we created something together unlike anything either of us had experienced. And now, he uses our different cloth against us, as he dates women (and this specific woman) who are cut from similar cloths to him. He says he never felt good enough for me. I cant help but see that as a cop out. But its unimportant now. Its up to me to create the life I want for myself and my daughter now.
I have 2 choices, fall down the rabbit hole of depression and sadness and accomplish nothing, or buck up, be me, have enjoyable moments when I can, and tackle my goals moving forward. Do I miss him? Omg yes. I can feel myself slipping backwards into the sadness, but i am TRULY TRULY trying to move forward. I have said my peace, he knows I do not accept him and OW. He knows I dont want anything to do with it. No need to say anything further. I deserve better from him and if he isnt willing to do that then he can settle, because in my opinion thats exactly what he is doing. And its what he WANTS to do, bc it doesnt require much.
