Unsure what's next, what to do.....

[SteveLW]

One, you shouldn't be trying to discuss the R with her. That is pressure and pursuit, so 180 on that.

Second, do not share the book with her. Yes Chapter 1 is written mainly about how terrible D is and that it should be avoided. Guess what, she won't be open to that. No WAS is. They have pink flamigos and elephants dance before their eyes when they think of D. Chapter 1 of DR isn't going to make that vanish.

Third, I like your approach for the joint session. Always be DBing, even in there. Listen, emphasis, validate. Own your own garbage, but do not own hers (that is what validation is for, it isn't agreeing or disagreeing, just understanding).

Fourth, in the vein of owning your own garbage but not hers, don't take all of the blame for the communication issues. Accept 1/2 the blame. "I realize I played a large part in our communication issues." Not "I realize I was solely to blame for our communication issues." But yes, listen and validate when she discusses the issues. Remember, validation is not agreeing or disagreeing. "I understand how you'd feel like that." "It must be awful to feel that way." "I hadn't looked at it like that before."

Validation works. I've used it at work. At home. At church. Even here!