The beginning of a long and painful journey

[Rawpain]

I hate having to drop my DD off in the morning at nursery . I have to go and sign her in and there is my W . All dolled up and super chirpy these days. As if all the world is peachy! I stay polite and act positive. Smiles and happy. But it hurts me every time and now I have to go and do another day with her on my mind.
Im trying to process why it hurts and bothers me so much... a few factors
(Things in brackets are what i think is why I feel this way)

She hardly ever wore makeup when we were together. I thought she looked beautiful natural but she does look really good now.she also always has really nice hair styles rather than the standard pony tail she always had. So it bothers me that she puts this much effort in for OM and the rest of the world but never did for me. (Why wasnt I ever worth this effort to her?)
She seems so happy now. This makes me feel like **** because it makes me feel like Ive made her life such a misery and that Im a really bad person but I cant figure out why I made her feel that way other than getting complacent in the M. Our life was just about to get better with more money from her job. We had are new family home and would have more time together as she had finished all her training. (im looking for cracks that things arent working out for her in the hope that she will come back to me. But I know that even if things dont work out with OM there is no guarantee she would come back to me)
She holds this manager position because I pushed her to go for it.she didnt have the confidence and I encouraged her and always tried to boost her moral and tell her that she would be great in this Job role.I supported her through the years of training and looking after the kids when she was doing night classes and tutoring and put my career on hold so she could get to where she is. Now she has this high paid job and Im in a dead end job but cant really do anything else as I now need job security for my mortgage and have no one to lean on with my kids. (It seems so selfish of her but she probably will never even see this fact. Yes this is some jealousy on my part).

Out of work when she texts me. I got emojis and pleasantries in it. I still keep mine short and polite and only to the point. ( I want to respond with all these fun things but dont want to be a friend. But think to myself . Should I? Part of OM stealing her away was through messages . Could I start to win her back and get her to think about me instead of thinking of him?)

I still feel lonely. Even when with other people. Socialising doesnt take this feeling away.

Going for a haircut today. Iv had a buzz cut for the past few years and ive been going through the awkward (growing it out phase) for the past month and a half. Hiding it under a hat.

I will finish on a positive. When I did drop my DD off one of W close friends and colleagues (who I havent seen for months ) noticed that id shaved my beard . She said it suits me and looks good in front of W.

Any feedback is much appreciated . Hope all your sitchs are going well.