Introduction

[TJT]

Welllllllll helllo everyone.

It's been an eventful few months, to say the least. I stopped posting because I was getting so overwhelmed, I had to get out of my own head. Writing is amazing for me and I was even journaling some on my own but I had to just stop and keep "moving" whether physically or mentally, just to survive I felt like!

I'll try to summarize what's happened but obviously, it's going to be long given my hiatus.

The TL:DR = I did find out my husband had a PA. He is now completely moved, out for 3 weeks now. We barely communicate (only text and great majority of time has been NC). Papers still have not been filed, yet he is not alluding to being confused or caring for me or anything.
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The full version:

After returning from the business trip mentioned above, a loooot of stuff was not right at the house. I smelled perfume in various places - at our kitchen counter, a pillow on the bed, and if all that isn't the worst - the bathtub. He had all the fans on level 11. There was an air freshener in the bedroom (the one he never sleeps in). I could go on.

I didn't say anything about what I was sure of at that point. I know I didn't have enough proof and I'd just get denial. Better to play dumb so I could get more evidence rather than tip him off.

Meanwhile, I went shopping. Bought all new pillows, sheets, comforter, duvet cover. Bought new underwear. It's so weird, what it does to you knowing that your SO has cheated on you, in your very own brand new home to boot. I had weird feelings about myself that were and sometimes still are confusing because of the doubt that's been put in my head. And I am now more convinced that all the "grievances" he had about me that I couldn't make sense of (while I'm not denying the areas I still know I need to improve) were just excuses for what he was doing behind my back, and a great explanation for why, despite the things I DID feel like I was trying to do to engage with him, I just kept getting pushed away.

I didn't want to believe it despite all of my actions above. Part of me kept putting doubts in my head that maybe nothing really happened. But of course it ate at me and ate at me to where I was snooping when I could. Glad I did.

One evening when H was in the shower I decided to look in his wallet. I 200% didn't expect to find anything. He hardly keeps anything in his wallet. Welp, out comes a victoria's secret credit card with the name of another woman (if 22 counts as a woman - she's closer in age to his son than to him). I walked into the shower, told him I needed to talk to him after he got done, and sat on the couch and waited.

He sat down, and I didn't tell him I found the card right away. That was my trump card. I just told him I knew he'd been lying to me, that I knew someone had been in the house while I was gone and he needed to talk. Of course he acts dumb like, "What do you want me to say?" I said he needed to tell me exactly what happened.

First words out of his mouth were, "First of all, we're getting a divorce." Interesting, given even AS WE SPEAK he has (still) not filed. It's been since May that he first swore he wanted a divorce.

He proceeds to tell me he did have someone over, that it was awkward for both of them, he has regrets, etc. But not in a "please forgive me way". He definitely still acted like "it is what it is". I ask him directly if they had sex or were in the bedroom at all. He says no. I didn't believe him. I then tell him I know it was so and so and that I also found the CC in his wallet, so how does he explain that? Apparently - and you all will have to choice but to laugh at this - she was having a hard time with money so he agreed to keep her CCs so she wouldn't spend on them. Come on, man.

I didn't even know what to do at that point and there was no ultimate climax to the conversation. I was still processing. But H was staying upstairs at this point now and I proceeded to go on FB and message the girl AND her boyfriend (yep). It wasn't with any intention of being ugly and I wasn't going to let myself stoop to anyone's level - but I simply laid out that while yes we have had our problems, no papers had been filed and she should probably stay out of it until things are really done. (She didn't respond). To her BF, I simply let him know that his GF had been at my home with a married man snuck in past our driveway cameras and all kinds of lunacy.

Well, he ended up saying he knew a friend of hers they (my H and this girl) work with and she might tell him more. Well, that sort of backfired because this girl of course decided to try to take the fall and they all must have gotten together like a bunch of high schoolers (I guess they practically are, except my almost 40 YO H) to get a story together - because next thing I know, H came downstairs, didn't say anything but got very dramatic grabbing clothes from the closet and stuffing into bags. So of course I realize he must have found out I messaged them.

What happened next is one of many parts of this I will never forget because of the absolute delusion I recognized in him. I go into the closet and ask what's going on. He says, "don't act stupid." I said no, I know you know I messaged them but what's the problem? He tells me that I CROSSED A LINE and I didn't have to bring innocent people into this. This is where my mind did not compute. I stared blankly. I couldn't even be mad.

He then said that it wasn't just this one girl, it was her and a friend who just came over for dinner, after which I questioned why he didn't think that would be important to tell me to begin with (and what had he exactly meant then by having regrets and it being "awkward" for "both" of them?) Again, I knew he was lying, but I was surprisingly level-headed during this whole exchange because of how I so clearly recognized the full on mega denial and justifying going on to make himself feel better. (Later I talked again with this girl's BF and he confirmed he got the exact same story to the letter).

I said directly to H that he was not going to make ME feel bad about this. He took a bunch of stuff and slept at work that night (I know he didn't go to her house because she was still living with her BF at this point).

Anyway, the next day he came home and I tell him I would appreciate if he kept everyone else out of this until it was over. I asked if he returned the CCs to her (apparently he also had her bank card, which he very well may have but I had stopped looking once I found all the evidence I needed). He then said he APOLOGIZED to them, with a straight face to me, again as if he has no freaking clue on this earth how this all sounds from him to me.

I think a week or two went by. He was staying at a friend's house, but on the weeks he had his son they'd come back home because there wasn't a room for his son at his friend's (convenient much?). I then get an anonymous message from FB one morning saying I am being lied to and made a fool of and he has been seeing this girl for months, blah blah blah. Of course at first I was skeptical - it was an anonymous message after all and you know how it is with affairs, we keep having to discover it over and over again - but there was enough info about a bath that I KNEW was accurate, because H had done the SAME thing when he was courting me (trying to count the stab wounds at this point).

I text him, ask if he's aware of the message, he says he is not. I ask for him to call. He says he wants to know what's going on. I just say "me too". When we finally speak, I tell him I know he hasn't told me the full truth, that I AM being made a fool of and at this point he just needs to be completely honest with me. He said he would call me later since he was at work, or when he got home. I didn't get any other call during the day and I knew he was probably once again trying to get a collaborative story going behind the scenes. Looking back I wish I hadn't given him the time in between to do this, because the "truth" I ended up discovering I feel is still limited given he had time to talk to her in between again.Not surprisingly, minutes before H got home that evening I get a text from this girl's BF saying she just came home and "confessed". What I got from my H sounded very similar to what she said.

Which was - yes, he had sex with her. Yes, in the bed I sleep in that he doesn't (despite there being a guest room, there was no decency WHATSOEVER to this). Yes, the bath happened, in MY bathtub, despite him knowing how much I love baths, and oh, by the way, this is our NEW house that I dreamed of being a family with HIM in, and that I've been trying to refinance the past few months since I'M getting stuck with it given we can't sell without owing and he can't afford it on his own. Talk about being trapped in a prison he's created.

He denied the length of the affair and that they had been seeing each other frequently. However, I have talked to the OW's (now ex) boyfriend a lot more since all of this happened, and our stories about each of them disengaging from us and their behaviors aligned very well, to where I do feel like at least the past 6 months, if not perhaps almost a year, have been a lie.

But what hurts me the most about all of this is that he still, absolutely, 100%, does not seem to feel remorse. Sure, he got a little teary eyed at times. But he basically threw a pity party on me saying yes I deserve better, yes he's a piece of [censored], etc. etc. It's like he just didn't want to be the one to make the final call to leave even though obviously that's what he wants. This is the most confusing part, too. At the end he even asked "so what do you want to do going forward?" Looking back I wished I would have said, "What do YOU want to do, because it seems obvious to me!" Instead I did what I had already planned for and told him I don't want him here at the house at all anymore, that I didn't want a divorce and he could stay if he wanted to work on our marriage, but if not, he had to go.

He left the next day and only came back the following weekend with his dad, son, and a trailer. He packed up the rest of the stuff we agreed he could have, handed over the keys. He gave me a hug right before we left and I basically was falling apart at this point, but while I was starting to cry, I kept composure. It lasted a few seconds and he said, "I better go." I told him I loved him, he gave me a weird look (I can't describe it, it was again almost like a pity look) and silently walked to the truck and drove away.

This was the worst day of ever but I did feel a little better knowing that the "up and down" feeling of him coming to the house and then leaving again every other week would be over. But, I was very curious to see what would happen beyond that. I desperately hoped that after a while he would realize the mistake, but also became very very aware of how easy he seemed to be just walking away. Like, if packing up all your (and your son's) stuff from the brand new house we dreamed about and built together - and walking away from your wife - doesn't hit you, then crap, maybe he really is a zombie.

We didn't text much. He asked a few questions about things like health insurance and when they'd be kicked off, to which I told him I can't do anything without a divorce decree. I asked when he was going to file - he said "soon".

I don't know if he's still seeing OW. I know most people would say he has to be, but of course I have no way of knowing now and it would just be so illogical. Financially they are both in a bad place. And also did I mention she's 22? Her ex BF asked me if it was about money, him trying to figure out what the reasoning behind all this is as well, and I said pretty sure it's not, because he (her ex) makes more than H. MLC makes sense but I think okay, there's no way this is going to be a long-term thing with his son and everything involved. But then I realize all the crazy crap that's happened up to this point and believe anything is possible.

So it's been 3 weeks I would say now since he fully moved out. He hasn't filed and despite a few texts early on about stopping by to pick up some mail (which, btw, includes a "discreet" mail order of ED drugs as he had been having problems with that too) he hasn't come by or acted like he cares about really keeping an appointment with me for those items. I DID also ask if he could start giving me his portion of the car insurance bill, given that we are still combined and again, I can't remove him until there's a divorce. He said he would and could do it by PayPal but I haven't seen that yet either. For the most part, we have been NC for the majority of these 3 weeks. Aside from being flaky on those minor items, he doesn't seem to be playing any games with me or having any second thoughts.

WHAT THE HECK IS GOING ON WITH THIS PERSON?! He doesn't seem remorseful, rather that he really doesn't want to be with me but needs to feel better about it by villainizing himself, since he knows I still want to work on things and I think he would prefer instead if I was just mad and told him I want the divorce. But at this point, given he's moved out and there's nothing really serious for us to even engage on, I really don't get why he wouldn't just do it himself if it's what HE really wants! Is it possible for someone to be so much of a coward that even after doing everything else on earth to distance themselves from you they still would't file??

I am going to IC and she asks me if I want him to file. I say no, so she tells me to not bring it up to him. But now here I am in this ultimate limbo stage where H doesn't want to work on things but we're not living together or even talking. And financially, I don't know WHAT he's up to. So while I don't want to file, I feel I will need to file sooner rather than later whether I'm ready or not just to protect myself in case he's deciding to go run up a bunch of debt with OW or something! Plus the fact that I am still paying for health and car insurance for all of us and getting no financial contribution from him for the past month.

I can't tell if maybe he's not filing because he has doubts and there might be hope (or even if he doesn't have doubts, if I should be happy that I have been given that gift of time to where maybe he'll come around) or if there's actually no good reason he hasn't filed from an emotional standpoint and I should just get on with it on his behalf so I don't have to sit here waiting forever.

As an interesting side note, H's former W before me was the one who filed - a good year plus after the separation date per the paperwork - despite the story he told me about it being his choice to leave their marriage. I thought that was a completely different situation and person, but now I'm not so sure and I'm wondering if this is just the same cycle he's going through with me, thinking at some point I'll get over him if he waits long enough and then do it for him. I don't think he's staying married to me while separated for financial gain - yes I'm paying a few things, but they are so minor that I don't think he'd find it valuable enough to not divorce over, if that's what he wanted.

So I'm really struggling with what to do next. I absolutely want to wait wait wait and hope he snaps out of whatever wonderland he's in right now, BUT I have never, ever seen someone flip a switch like this, act like they are so done with absolutely no emotion or second thought whatsoever, and yet still not file for divorce. And I don't want to waste my own time or risk finances, but I just don't think I'll be able to sit right with myself if I file without truly WANTING to deep in my heart. And I also do not want him to feel justified in all this if I file, as if it's something I asked for.

Separately, I can't BELIEVE that after the hurt he has put me through, given the multiple levels of betrayal that have happened, I still want to be with this man. I mean, I clearly fully committed to him through good or the bad, and apparently I don't have that magic switch to turn off my feelings. It's just amazing how much different it is when it's YOU in the situation vs. the third party looking in where you envision yourself setting everything on fire and leaving without looking back, hah!

I do love him, I do want him to be happy and I've read in the other threads about letting him go to be happy how he wants to be, and I feel like I've been doing that little by little (even if not in my head, because of course I still feel like he's not living in reality and we really can be happy, together!) I don't text him anymore just to try to be nice and ask how his day is in the hopes he will see me as a loving positive wife; I don't email him love letters; I have just been silent. And while I'm doing okay, it's the hardest thing I've ever endured in my life and I desperately want it all to end, for him to come back, for us to devote everything we have to a new, rebirthed version of our marriage and know that we will survive anything together, Beyonce and Jay Z style. I don't want this to be how the story ends for either of us.

I thought he was a family man. He was the last person on earth I thought would do something like this, let alone to the degree it's happened and with such little respect and regard for me as a human, if not as a wife. I know too I'm supposed to earn his respect back, but like I say ... I'm truthfully confused now what this man finds valuable at all. If nothing else, it truly is forcing me to live life without him in it, but I've never doubted that I am able to do that. I just really, really, really don't want to, and I do feel like something is wrong with ME that he doesn't want me anymore. Knowing how in love with me he once was to how it is now, I can't wrap my mind around it.

I'll stop for tonight, for crying out loud. I wonder if anyone even reads single posts this long!!